Internet PredatorThe Internet is a glorious thing; providing us with material to fap to, allowing us to impulse buy shit that we certainly don’t need, and accommodating us in our desire to not have to know or remember anything, ever. Of course it also helps us learn about things we’d never hear about otherwise, as well as helps us connect with that retard from high school we never wanted to see again.

One thing that most people don’t think of when they conjure up cyberspace, is Internet homicide. They think puppies, kittens, and mature women taking it in the ass, but not murder via Internet, because that’s just some crazy Ring-like shit. Right?

Let’s look into the big I’s pass, and see what secrets are trapped in its closet (“Bridgette is allergic to cherries!“).

The Internet’s FIRST!1!!1! murderer is John Edward Robinson, a man who got a computer at the age of 52, and contacted and killed at least seven people. The amazing thing is that the forum for the most depraved (craigslist) didn’t even exist at the time, so he was reaching out to these people through some archaic AOL chatroom bullshit. Anyway, to make a long story short, Robinson’s now on death row in Kansas, and as the Internet is bound to do; gave birth to several Secondlife hoaxes.

Unlike John Edward, Hiroshi Maeue found his victims (three in all) on suicide chats and websites. He’d then convince them to agree to a pact, meet up with them, and then strangle them for his own sexual satisfaction.

Crazy bag, Lisa Montgomery met pregnant Bobbie Jo Stinnett through a chatroom called “Ratter Chatter,” which was a site dedicated to talking about rat terriers. If that wasn’t enough of a reason to be terrified of her, Lisa ended up going to Bobbie Jo’s house, murdered her, and then cut the fetus out of the womb. She then tried to pass the baby off as her own, which is what really doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, she wanted one? Lisa is currently awaiting her execution, and apparently the baby survived and is now healthy.

Murdering an innocent victim is one thing, but what if someone wants to be killed? There are a few cases of just that happening, the most famous being that of Bernd Jürgen Brandes and Armin Meiwes.

Armin and Bernd met on a site called The Cannibal Cafe, which is enough of a tip-off to know that this story doesn’t end well. Armin’s original request was for a “well-built 21 to 40-year-old to be slaughtered and then consumed,” and his prayers were answered when Bernd came around, insisting that his penis be bit off and eaten, then killed. His wish came true, and Armin Meiwes was arrested in December of 2002. Originally convicted of manslaughter, his controversial case begged the same question of, what happens when one wants to be killed? Apparently it doesn’t make a difference, because in May 2006, the court reconvicted him of murder and sentenced him to life.

As time goes on, the killers become more bold and more beautiful, like Craigslist Killer, Philip Markoff. Which shows that anyone, despite social class or education, could be looking for their dream date.

It’s quite obvious that the world is full of people with less than normal desires; but fortunately for them, the Information Super Highway welcomes them with open arms. And to that I say: stay golden, dear Internet, you’ve never let me down.