It’s Been Real, Carl Paladino

The votes haven’t been counted, but I’m gonna predict that our mad-as-hell friend Carl Paladino is not going to become the governor of New York today. Aw, don’t cry! (Seriously, no waterworks.)

At least he won the endorsement of George Pataki at the last minute possible. In the past, Paladino has called Pataki an “idiot,” but also “the man who slayed the first Cuomo” and his “hero.” This reminds me of things I’ve read about borderline personality disorder. Anyway, now they are friends! Elections bring people together.

For his fans, Paladino released a final campaign video in which he thanks everyone for letting him tell his story—”straight from [his] heart,” he says, placing his hand on his heart for emphasis. He talks about how he doesn’t golf but likes to bring smiles to kids’ faces, and give people “peace.” (You can be mad as hell and still give people a calm feeling inside—it just takes practice.)

What The New York Daily News is really harping on, though, is how Paladino uses the 13-minute video as an opportunity to mention the death of his son last year in a car accident. “I knew it was a very mischievous and not too endearing of an effort to do,” the paper reports Paladino as saying.”But I figured I could do it…because I had my son on my shoulder and that’s what his life was about. It was about helping people.” Um, okay.

Paladino will surely continue bringing help and peace and smiles to people—if not from Albany, then from where the Buffalo Bills roam. If he loses today, you can blame electronic mail, Speedo-clad gay guys grinding all over voters’ common sense, and Andrew Cuomo’s terror tanks of doom. But if he wins … eh, never mind, that won’t happen.