It’s kind of been decided that, yeah, I’m an awful person and that there is probably a special seat for me reserved in Hell; right next to Benito Mussolini and Richard Gere. Because I don’t believe in karma, or any of that patchouli-skirt-twirling-bullshit, when bad things happen to me, I just figure it’s because there are other terrible people like me out there.
The other day was my birthday, and after the Chuck E. Cheese extravaganza, we returned home and the night made its natural progression to the purchase of strippers. The two of them arrived late, and began gyrating eagerly for their four hundred dollars. As the remnants of vodka was dripping out of their vaginas onto my lap, I asked how they decided to do this for a living. The not-so-surprising, yet still alarming, response was “for their kid.” If that story is supposed to procure several presidents out of a client’s pocket, well, it works.
Anyway, after about 30 seconds of a lap dance, my friend stole the girls away and took them into his room for a $40 (USD) hand j. FORTY DOLLAR HAND JOB. Seriously, I know that there were four hands or whatever, but forty dollars? Is this standard? They weren’t even that cute! One looked like a cyborg real doll, and the other looked like she hadn’t started menstruating yet. $40? Really?
Here’s the point of the story, and where it all ties in to the introductory paragraph; which I am told is what is supposed to happen in a narrative: Those trifling whores stole my $150 perfume and my iPhone. To make matters even more awesome, my friend’s iPhone was sitting right next to mine, but his remained on the table, not pussy-packed out of the house.
When I recounted the story, and made it a point to say that I didn’t know, for a fact, that it was the strippers, everyone was always like, “It was DEFINITELY them,” as if there were absolutely no other options. Is this what a standard house-call from a stripper is like?
I suppose the moral is: keep people who are rich and also complete suckers around, so they can reimburse you for your loss in the event that something like this happens to you. Oh, and if karma does exist, it’s doing a pretty shitty job at getting back at me.
thrilling! fascinating! awe-inspiring!
Awesome Kari!. I hear John Cusack is a nice guy. What did you guys talk about?
You deserve it you miserable piece of crap.
who the fuck cares. call me when you die.
I found this weekends Kari NYC trip to be fascinating, amusing, and all together fun filled. So there @whocares. Go reblog it or something.
If I was at that Chuck E Cheese's with my kids and you and your fucking looser hipster party walked in I would have stuffed your bloody corpses into the skeeball machines.
Kari, did Cajun Boy reimburse you at least? I mean he got a cheap HJ and you got robbed. Hardly seems fair. Seek restitution!
DID YOUR IPHONE HAVE CANCER?
This probably isn't even true.
I keep getting tricked into reading these useless things and wasting precious minutes of my lunch hour. Is there a way these stories can be tweeted with a disclaimer, like "by KF" for example, so I know that they should be skipped?
How many Chuck e Cheese tokens did you steal?
Ha ha ha…out-skeezed by a $40 whore. It couldn't have happened to a more-deserving person. This story brightened my day.
@Artie: Yes, it's called a byline, but something tells me you'll be secretly reading anyway.
You go by Bucky? Really? I bet ur hung like a grasshopper. Hey great job on ur little blog thing. It's making such a difference in this world what with snippets a on way cool graffiti and made up stories by an Asian boy/girl whose face looks like she fell asleep on a gravel highway.
Do you have a right side to your face? I only ever see the left side in these posey posey pictures.
It's sad that I totally don't believe that your iphone was stolen. I think you made it up.
that is so sad that some random person on the internet doesn't even believe you.
how do you have any friends?
…SPONSORED BY AT&T
Your writing is nice. Your stories are too cliche. If its "your experience". Quit trying so hard to have "experiences". This sort of stuff was hard core in the mid 90's. Keep writing though!
Happy Birthday, pal! You certainly had an interesting year last year, hopefully, this year will be a little more boring!
List of Common Sociopathic Traits:
Egocentricity; Callousness; Impulsiveness; Conscience defect; Exaggerated sexuality; Excessive boasting; Risk taking; Inability to resist temptation; Antagonistic, deprecating attitude toward the opposite sex.
Recognizing a sociopath…Sociopaths can be very convincing and charming at first, especially at the beginning of relationships. A history of poor relationships, problems with the law, and excessive lying are just a few red flags to watch out for at the beginning. A lack of remorse, when noticed in a possible sociopath, is often a warning sign. It is nearly impossible to have a normal relationship with a sociopath, and in some cases, being involved with a sociopath can be dangerous. Their lack of regard for the welfare of others and typical lack of conscience can make sociopaths dangerous.
"I suppose the moral is: keep people who are rich and also complete suckers around"
Read: "So if you need a new iPhone, you can make up a story about some strippers stealing from you. And the hipster-wannabe assholes that still think you're cool will buy you a new one. It's as easy as that. Cha-ching!"
Grifter for life…
you are literally the epitome of SUCK.
$150 perfume can't take out the stink of a piece of shit, which is what you are, so no real loss there.
whats funny and sad about this is a guy with one of the top of the line smart phones ( retail $300-$600) and a pretty expensive bottle of cologne of some kind ($150), would buy strippers that do $40 hand jobs