Mel Gibson has had a rough past few years, and just like with The Last Airbender, the ruination can be pinned on M. Night Shyamalan. Before Signs, Mel was known as the quintessential leading man for the average menopausal woman. The world was eating bullshit out of his cracked leathery paws, up until he started screaming something about aliens—the ones that come from space, and the wetbacks.

Today, another tape of Gibson and his wife girlfriend concubine having a pleasant little diatribe was released. Coupled with the one-two punch of this first phone call, and this second charming number, it is safe to say that Mel is a real man’s man.

So, just like with Tiger, I’m here to analyze the big G’s best quips:

“What do you think you’re looking at, sugar tits?” — to female police officer during 2006 DUI arrest
There is no part of me that doesn’t believe that Mel was trying to flatter this officer. This was his version of the “I’m an attractive female, and I’m going to do everything but actually suck this cop’s dick, and get away with a warning” move. The only difference is that Mel is not an attractive female, and women on the force aren’t so easy to win over (believe me, I’ve tried).

“I am going to come and burn the fucking house down… but you will blow me first.” — phone conversation with Grigorieva
At least he has his priorities straight, am I right?

“You look like a fucking bitch on heat, and if you get raped by a pack of niggers, it will be your fault.” — phone conversation with Grigorieva
This one is by far the most misquoted of them all. Some media sources state that Mel says “pig in heat” but if you listen to the recording he clearly says “bitch on heat.” See? He’s not that bad. Also, Mel, you can be on your period, or on the rag, but you can’t be on heat; didn’t your father teach you anything useful?

“I will report her to the fucking people that take fucking money from the wetbacks.” — phone conversation with ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, about an employee
The fucking people that take fucking money from the wetbacks? They’re called pimps, Mel. Also, nice choice of slur. He could have opted for the more traditional spic or beaner, but chose not to. This just goes to show that Gibson is well-versed in racial aspersions, and believes that the longer the word, the more intelligent he sounds. Which is obviously true.

The moral of this sordid tale is clearly: Stay away from Russian whores. First they’ll steal all of your money, then they’ll wear provocative clothing (to attract someone else whose money they can steal), then they’ll criticize you for punching them in the mouth, and then they’ll release all of your insane, overzealous ramblings to the world, and your IMDB popularity will jump up 155% in one week.

On second thought, this could be the best PR stunt since Watergate or the Holocaust. Mel Gibson: still smarter than this gook.