In the last six months I have flown to Utah three times, to California, Georgia and Arizona; giving me a grand total of something like 12 flights. I’ve been subjected to full-body scanners, cramped quarters, and like Juan Williams, have been terrified of a terrorist attack every time I see a Muslim-looking person.

After Juan’s comment on Fox News about how he becomes “nervous” when he spots Allah-fearing freedom haters donning traditional “Muslim garb” on airplanes, his primary employer NPR decided to fire him.

Though I am as terrified of the unfamiliar as Juan, there are a few other things that should put a person on high alert. For example: babies. If there is a small child on your plane, you should worry. Explosives packed in their diapers, arsenic in their bottles; the possibilities are endless. The entire nation could be put in danger due to one stupid baby. Plus, if they weren’t a threat, why would the TSA put them on their No Fly list?

Another thing that should be of concern is small animals. Do you remember what you would do with little dogs when you were a kid? Pretty sure you stuck firecrackers up their butts, and caused a ruckus. Well, what other reason is there for bringing an animal on board? Some people just never grow out of their adolescence.

Also, you should be worried if while boarding your flight you see a really dark black person, someone carrying a first generation iPhone, poor people, lesbians, or really stressed out political hacks, as they’re all potential suspects.

As for Juan, I wouldn’t worry about him too much. After he was fired, Fox News picked him up for a cool two million dollars and soon he’ll have enough to afford his own personal jet, so he can avoid the Islam-y riff-raff altogether.