As we all know, Lindsay Lohan and I both share more in common than a penchant for processed meats; we have now both been sent to jail! Knowing that she could benefit from a few pieces of advice from an old pro, I decided to write her a letter. I gave her tips on how to survive her grueling 14 days in jail, and reminded her that because people would pay more than $40 to bang her, she is better than the others serving with her.

Lindsay, even if you never write back, I’ll know how much you appreciate my spirit being there with you. Good luck, and godspeed. I gotta run to court!

(Click letters to enlarge)