usafootI, admittedly, don’t care about football or soccer or whatever it is you’ve decided to call it, and since I live in America, it seems that’s okay. Except that it’s not. At least not in the part of the country that I’m currently residing in. Tell someone that you don’t care about the World Cup, and whatever relationship it is that you had with that person will be over.

After Googling furiously, all I came up with was that people like soccer because people die, and somewhat frequently. Not only do average nobodies pass on in FIFA-related incidents, but the rich and famous are affected, as well.

The first World Cup took place in 1930, and has taken place every four years since (besides two years during WWII). That means that every decade there are several weeks of minorities kicking around a ball like it’s Spanish-Harlem in the 1970’s, whose excruciating lengthiness rivals that of the olympics.

It’s not that I don’t find the sport exciting, it’s just that I get so distracted by the consistent buzzing of the crowd and the swinging of the testicles in those cute little shorts, that I can’t concentrate on the actual game. I’m currently watching the opening feud between Mexico and South Africa, but because I’m also writing this article, masturbating, and tuning out the agitating accented voices of the commentators (seriously, can’t you say “rushing” like a normal person?), I think watching may be the incorrect verbage.

One good thing that the World Cup offers is the opportunity for random companies to create terrible commercials that attempt to connect random products to FIFA, in whatever way they can. Entertainment at its finest.

Another reason to accept the World Cup into our country, is the excuse it gives us to party. America really didn’t give a shit about soccer until we realized that the WC is just another completely acceptable event to consume alcoholic beverages and illicit drugs. New Yorkers don’t ever need a reason to drink, besides that they successfully survived another day, but the rest of the country does; and this is that reason.

So, tune in tomorrow for the US’s first game against our motherland, England, at 2:30 South Africa time on ABC. Kegs and kilos will be provided, of course.