I, by no means, am a New Yorker. I happen to live in New York, and have sporadically for the past few years, but seeing as I’m not completely jaded, I can’t consider myself a bona fide citizen of the Empire State.

Residing here has taught me many things, which may be common knowledge to those of you who were born and raised in a big city, but for a little Mormon girl from Utah, shit blew my mind.

Here are a few things that I have picked up from my short time here:

Having a roommate, at any age, is totally acceptable. In smaller towns, if you are in your mid-20’s and live with someone who isn’t your significant other, you’re doing it wrong. That is more than likely due to the fact that you can get a whole house for $1300/month, opposed to a crawlspace for even more, in the city. If you’re over the age of 23, and live with someone of the same sex, you are gay; and if you live with the opposite sex, you’re a raging whore.

Speaking of whores, New York taught me that it’s okay to enjoy yourself and sleep with strangers, at any given time. In my hometown, even if you weren’t actively religious, there is still a stigma attached with fucking and running; or even just fucking. Being called a slut back home is a slur, whereas here it is a badge of valor awarded only to those who truly deserve it.

A big part of spreading yourself so wide can probably be attributed to alcohol. In major cities drinking is the given step after a long day at work, or after a nap, or after a tumultuous day of breathing. With a last call of 4:00 A.M., rivaled by only a few other cities—parts of Alabama and Louisiana that serve booze 24 hours a day, 365 days a year—liquor is readily available. When you get drunk every night, it’s not because you’re an alcoholic, it’s because that’s just what you do before you go to bed, duh.

You can have a friend of any age, and no one thinks twice about it. Subsequently, New York is the most pedophile-friendly city. Having a close friend who is my senior by 35 years is no big deal, and we are brought together by our shared affinity for good food and young girls.

Marriage does not equate success. Back in Salt Lake, girls were getting married straight out of high school, ready to pop out a few abominations. This was your rite of passage, and your only way of becoming a real adult. If you aren’t married with children, you must have AIDS, and in that case, deserve to die.

Last but not least, I learned that even if you fuck up severely, act a straight fool, and show your tits, the NY media holds a place for you in their collective, dead hearts. Capitalizing on your mistakes has never been so easy!

For all of the reasons above, this is why I love New York.

Author’s Note: Going out of town for a couple of weeks, and will be passing through Utah. All anyone seems to care about is how cheap their cigarettes are. So, if you’d like a carton for $60, get at me.