People I’d Like to Screw, But Only Once

01.29.10 Kari Ferrell

Kari_website Contrary to popular belief, I haven’t been harpooned by as many individuals as one might think (nine, for your information; no, really), though I have given more blow jobs than there are Jews in the bible. Fortunately, I don’t really regret any of them; though I can’t say that they feel the same way. I have also never had a bonafide one night stand—unless it counts when you have sex with the same person time after time, and just wish that they were a random stranger.

In that case, move over Wilt Chamberlain, I’ve got the AIDS virus. There are several people that I would lower my standards for, but only once:

Vince “Shamwow” Shlomi: There is no one else that I would want to sell me a product that can sop up 20 times 12 times 10 times its weight in baby batter. Not only would he pay me $1,000 to bone down with him, but he would then promptly punch me in the face, which is exactly how I like it. The reason behind the singular sesh would be that I don’t know how many times one could stand being disappointed after being promised that “you’re going to love these nuts”. Also, he is Israeli.

Any of the Lucky Contestants on Chris Hansen’s Cock Block: I look like a 14-year-old (boy), so this would be the perfect union. Only once, because I’m too lazy to shave every day.

Kurt Rambis, circa 1989: First of all, dude is referred to as “Dirty Work”. If that doesn’t get the juices flowing down your thighs, I don’t know what will. Secondly, just look at him. It’s guaranteed that I could take him to The Hood Internet show and not have to worry about being ostracized for attending with a conservatively dressed gentleman. Rambis, you could be my sixth man anytime–well, at least ONE time, because you played for the Lakers, and now coach the T-Wolves. Gross.

Jerry Falwell (and his corpse): I suppose I’m somewhat of a masochist, because it has always been a fantasy of mine to be reamed by a bigoted, sexist, racist, overweight piece of shit. Plus, it’s probably the only chance I’ll have to “get right with God”.

Look at that, two basketball references in one post!