Contrary to popular belief, I haven’t been harpooned by as many individuals as one might think (nine, for your information; no, really), though I have given more blow jobs than there are Jews in the bible. Fortunately, I don’t really regret any of them; though I can’t say that they feel the same way. I have also never had a bonafide one night stand—unless it counts when you have sex with the same person time after time, and just wish that they were a random stranger.
In that case, move over Wilt Chamberlain, I’ve got the AIDS virus. There are several people that I would lower my standards for, but only once:
Vince “Shamwow” Shlomi: There is no one else that I would want to sell me a product that can sop up 20 times 12 times 10 times its weight in baby batter. Not only would he pay me $1,000 to bone down with him, but he would then promptly punch me in the face, which is exactly how I like it. The reason behind the singular sesh would be that I don’t know how many times one could stand being disappointed after being promised that “you’re going to love these nuts”. Also, he is Israeli.
Any of the Lucky Contestants on Chris Hansen’s Cock Block: I look like a 14-year-old (boy), so this would be the perfect union. Only once, because I’m too lazy to shave every day.
Kurt Rambis, circa 1989: First of all, dude is referred to as “Dirty Work”. If that doesn’t get the juices flowing down your thighs, I don’t know what will. Secondly, just look at him. It’s guaranteed that I could take him to The Hood Internet show and not have to worry about being ostracized for attending with a conservatively dressed gentleman. Rambis, you could be my sixth man anytime–well, at least ONE time, because you played for the Lakers, and now coach the T-Wolves. Gross.
Jerry Falwell (and his corpse): I suppose I’m somewhat of a masochist, because it has always been a fantasy of mine to be reamed by a bigoted, sexist, racist, overweight piece of shit. Plus, it’s probably the only chance I’ll have to “get right with God”.
Look at that, two basketball references in one post!
I'm glad to know that I'm not on your "only-once" list, baby. PS Cute belly. Would love to explore it.
I'm sure she wrote this so some hipster fuck with a red beard can hit on her as awkwardly as you you did there. Just another herb to jerk.
Shout out to chris haaansen for making this list.
fUCKING DIE YOU UGLY WORTHLESS ASIAN WHORE. NOBODY GIVES A SHIT.
Clearly there is a mistake here Carrie. You forgot to put DJ Mayonnaise Hands on this list??
Carter, shut up you racist fuck.
I'm an overweight sexist piece of shit. I would probably even make chinky-eyes at you while 'harpooning'.
No one gives a shit about you Kari. NO ONE. GTFO
You're funny AND you infuriate people? I wouldn't touch you with my 10 foot pole but please keep fucking with people's shit. I hate them all anyway.
Nice write-up.
hate.
Where's the love Kari?
have some class, sheepster.
What does it mean, "In that case, move over Wilt Chamberlain, I’ve got the AIDS virus."
Good article, Kari. You're the shizzle McDizzle!
dsy, I'll have you know that "hipster fuck" is the nicest thing that anyone has said about me in a long time. *sniffle* You have inspired me to get out my bongos and create. So…
hipster fuck with beard
red as the berries of spring
aches for his Kari
Cajun, I would fuck you three times; because you smell like yogurt and baby oil, and taste like chocolate mousse and the Hindenburg.
why are you stealing my style
Mercy lick my balls. Nobody cares about this whore except for a bunch of hipster faggots. Hipsters are dead, it's 2010 you losers.
Also I'll point out that this bitch used and stole from people, I guess some of you suffer from severe memory loss.
This has been a stroke of genius, Bucky. It looks like Kari is pulling in more comments than most other Animal posts. I think that your blog is in good hands. Of course, some of your readers are afraid that she will manipulate them. I think those jerks should get off the internetz.
This is fun.
Pathetic.
carter,
chill man, you're harshing my high. i got that you're a troll and you rant at people and that by responding to you i'm encouraging you to break out your best middle school put-downs, (ooh, let's see how many obscenities you can fit into your response towards me!) but y'all need to relax. so she used and stole from people; lots of people use and/or steal from people (no doubt you're perfect- I get it must be hard for you to interact with mere mortals.) but she also did time for it. and she's a hell of lot more interesting than you. so relax, read and maybe you'll learn something (about mixing up your word usage and spelling if nothing else).
ARE YOU PAYING THIS THING!??
I appreciated the Hood Internet reference.
ill kill gooks,
A standard of writing you would expect from someone having neither diploma nor degree.
Fukken Subscribed. You can say a lot of things about Kari, but you can't say she's not interesting.
UGH. Why did she get a column again? Pointless self-indulgent drivel.
Aubry, Bucky clearly brought Kari on board because she stirs things up and delivers. Look at the comment count–it's higher than most other posts, and I assume that Kari's page views are above-average, too.
ANIMAL, THIS IS A GREAT SITE! I LIKE IT. BUT THESE POSTS ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE! Hurts the brain in a way that makes me click away from here.
Silly girl, dont you know that you can NEVER get away with fucking an Asain girl just once….
(wait for it!)
because you're always horny again an hour later?
I found it amusing
GOOKS MUST DIE YOU SLANT EYED ANIMALS!
You've never hit low until you've done anal with Dafoe. You can do better than this.
Anonymous, unfunny racism is so irrelevant.
Appropriately ghastly, Kerri.
It's a pale shadow of the zany confidence tricks and fraud we've come to expect from you, but I'll take it. I had sort of hoped you'd move up and be a sort of Selena Kyle type of character – ah well there's always tomorrow!
Keep up the good work.