rsz_ericI’m usually all about fucking freely and harpooning as many nappy dugouts as possible, but when it comes to extramarital affairs, eh, not so much. Sure, your wife may be a boring old hag whose vag creaks and moans when you pry it open, but is that a good enough reason to pee milk into someone?

Perhaps it’s just because they’re in the public eye, so we hear more about it, but what is it with politicians being scumbags? Oh, it’s because they have no souls? Makes sense. Really, though, other individuals are under just as much pressure, but they don’t seem to feel the need to relieve it through a little boy (keepin’ it classy with interns and prostitutes).

Mark Foley, from Florida, consistently preached about the disparaging effects of child pornography, but then went home and signed onto AOL (seriously), and asked young boys to send nude photos of themselves to his Dogpile email address. Mark’s little tryst is considered, by some, to be the reason that the Republicans lost control over Congress in 2006; thanks, buddy!

John Edwards was the golden pony of the 2004 election, with many Americans overlooking his awful hairpiece and chimo grin for his fair policies and reasonable platform. Who would have thought that just a few years later he would father an illegitimate child, force someone else to take responsibility for said mistake, talk about stealing diapers, and lie on national television (unheard of!)? His wife did have breast cancer, though, so it makes sense.

Republican Mark Sanford upped the bar by, not only having an extramarital affair, but by also fleeing the country to do so. Oh, and he forgot to tell anyone where he was going. Subsequently, for six days the media reported on his “disappearance,” coming up with a slew of outlandish theories. Mark finally came back, and admitted that he had absconded the state to Argentina for some sweet, hot ‘tang. Did I mention that he didn’t tell anyone where he was going? Which means that for several days South Carolina was left without anyone to govern them. Good thing they didn’t know that, or there would have been a redneck revolution; chock-full of cheap beer and Kid Rock.

Then there’s Eric Massa, who resigned from the House of Representatives on March 8th, due to the fact that he liked to get frisky with the male aids. By “frisky” I clearly mean “sexually explicit in totally unacceptable ways.” Though he claims that he isn’t guilty of anything but a little “salty language,” which seems like the worst phrasing possible. There’s also something about tickling men until they have trouble breathing in there, as well. Sounds like Eric is just upset that he didn’t get to have that slumber party in middle school, that he always dreamed of.

Maybe it’s the thrill of knowing that their whole lives could potentially be bitch-slapped that makes it exciting, or perhaps they like the feeling of pulling the wool over an entire country’s eyes. Or maybe it’s just that they’re fucking hedonists like the rest of us, but don’t have the moral fortitude that it takes to hold back, yet feel that it’s necessary to expound upon how those who promote such criminal acts as same-sex marriages are just as bad as the butt-buddies themselves, and all are going to be smote down sooner or later? I don’t know, what hole do you think is worth losing a position of power and wealth over?