Iâ€™ve been told I have this crazy reputation for being â€œsexually aggressive,â€ but thatâ€™s completely misguided; Iâ€™m just a tease. In all reality my vagina hasnâ€™t been used for so long, that it creaks when you open it, and bats fly out. UNTIL FOUR DAYS AGO. I have finally had intercourse, after a 10 month dry spell. Yes, you read that correctly: 10 god-awful months. Okay, sure, Iâ€™ve been incarcerated for six and a half of that, but that still leaves a good three that I wasnâ€™t getting my swerve on.
Itâ€™s not that I havenâ€™t had an opportunity to bone down, the bearded transient who sells â€œwater pipesâ€ at the park almost had me, but then I realized that he had a Grateful Dead tattoo and smelled like the Holocaust. Some debauchery was had at Sundance (kissed two boys on the same night!), and in the last two weeks I have slept in three different boysâ€™ rooms, yet only had sex with one of â€˜em. Finally.
As much as Iâ€™d love to say that it was magical and mystical, as the picture accompanying this article depicts, it was, well, not what sex-after-not-having-sex-for-10-months should be. I expected roof-raising intercourse, the dudeâ€™s dick being so far up in my guts I cum a spleen; spacetime-continuum-barrier-shattering fornication that Stephen Hawkingâ€™s decrepit nether regions could only dream about.
It began with a lot of drama, and ended with even more drama, which is how I like to live my life. If there is ever a Lifetime made-for-TV movie, Iâ€™d really like for Danny Devito to play me, and Andrea Barber to play the unlucky Bearded Boy. Anyway, in this movie this is how it would go down:
Intro: Opens with a shot of the two (Danny and Andrea) at a large house in the suburbs, hovering over assorted sex toys that resemble biomechanical appendages more so than toys. A small montage is shown of the five days prior to the sesh that the duo had known each other, and a really beautiful shot of Kari masturbating on a small boat in the middle of a pond. That has nothing to do with the story, but it connects the viewer with the protagonist, because who hasnâ€™t done that?
Congress of the Kung-pow: The two make their way into Bearded Boyâ€™s room, which resembles a 40 year old Mormon mother’s abode (complete with beautiful handcrafted art above the bed). Then the session progresses into what sexual intercourse with a 40 year old Mormon mother is imagined to be like–leftovers and weird underwear.
(Okay, on the real, there was a couple of minutes of beejinâ€™, couple minutes of fingerbanginâ€™, and fifteen seconds of deep-dickinâ€™. I have to say, though, once he slipped it in it felt like I wasâ€¦home. In my mind I knew that I was where I should be: being choked like a whore, underneath a heaving mass of flesh.)
Conclusion: The movie will conclude with the presentation of the money, and the flushing of seminal fluids from Kariâ€™s holes.
For Lent this year, Iâ€™ve decided Iâ€™m going to stop having terrible sex, and start having disgusting GG Allin blood and shit sex.