unipornchaser I’ve been told I have this crazy reputation for being “sexually aggressive,” but that’s completely misguided; I’m just a tease. In all reality my vagina hasn’t been used for so long, that it creaks when you open it, and bats fly out. UNTIL FOUR DAYS AGO. I have finally had intercourse, after a 10 month dry spell. Yes, you read that correctly: 10 god-awful months. Okay, sure, I’ve been incarcerated for six and a half of that, but that still leaves a good three that I wasn’t getting my swerve on.

It’s not that I haven’t had an opportunity to bone down, the bearded transient who sells “water pipes” at the park almost had me, but then I realized that he had a Grateful Dead tattoo and smelled like the Holocaust. Some debauchery was had at Sundance (kissed two boys on the same night!), and in the last two weeks I have slept in three different boys’ rooms, yet only had sex with one of ‘em. Finally.

As much as I’d love to say that it was magical and mystical, as the picture accompanying this article depicts, it was, well, not what sex-after-not-having-sex-for-10-months should be. I expected roof-raising intercourse, the dude’s dick being so far up in my guts I cum a spleen; spacetime-continuum-barrier-shattering fornication that Stephen Hawking’s decrepit nether regions could only dream about.

It began with a lot of drama, and ended with even more drama, which is how I like to live my life. If there is ever a Lifetime made-for-TV movie, I’d really like for Danny Devito to play me, and Andrea Barber to play the unlucky Bearded Boy. Anyway, in this movie this is how it would go down:

Intro: Opens with a shot of the two (Danny and Andrea) at a large house in the suburbs, hovering over assorted sex toys that resemble biomechanical appendages more so than toys. A small montage is shown of the five days prior to the sesh that the duo had known each other, and a really beautiful shot of Kari masturbating on a small boat in the middle of a pond. That has nothing to do with the story, but it connects the viewer with the protagonist, because who hasn’t done that?

Congress of the Kung-pow: The two make their way into Bearded Boy’s room, which resembles a 40 year old Mormon mother’s abode (complete with beautiful handcrafted art above the bed). Then the session progresses into what sexual intercourse with a 40 year old Mormon mother is imagined to be like–leftovers and weird underwear.

(Okay, on the real, there was a couple of minutes of beejin’, couple minutes of fingerbangin’, and fifteen seconds of deep-dickin’. I have to say, though, once he slipped it in it felt like I was…home. In my mind I knew that I was where I should be: being choked like a whore, underneath a heaving mass of flesh.)

Conclusion: The movie will conclude with the presentation of the money, and the flushing of seminal fluids from Kari’s holes.

For Lent this year, I’ve decided I’m going to stop having terrible sex, and start having disgusting GG Allin blood and shit sex.

Photoshoppin’ compliments of Robin Enrico. Original (NSFW) can be found here.