When I was pretending to be in college, many of my poor friends with higher standards than myself, would participate in medical research to earn money. This included being injected with experimental vaccinations for acne, consuming random pills for painful periods, and—in one case—ingesting all kinds of things, to make sperm less potent.

Most people don’t stop to think how the doctor knew to prescribe common antibiotics to cure their potent case of chlamydia, or how a scientist knows what’s going on in your brain when you’re tripping balls. The answer is, obviously, medical testing.

Back in the day, before the National Research Act and other longwinded organizations existed, experiments could be performed on just about anybody, without their consent.

The most popular study, done on those who were unaware, is the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment; where the government neglected to tell 400 black men that they had syphilis, and then studied them for 40 years, without giving most of them proper care. The benefit of taking advantage of poor colored people, though, was the discovery of penicillin’s miraculous properties.

Though the US Government has committed plenty of atrocious human experiments, before and after Tuskegee, that I could write for days on the subject, I’m sure you don’t want that. So, let’s move on to those dirty Japs. During World War II, Unit 731 was in charge of committing some of the most barbaric tests known to man. We’re talking real serial-killer, just for fun, sociopathic shit. You know, the kind of stuff I like to dream about in my free time.

Over 10,000 prisoners were experimented on, most being Chinese and Korean. There was no real discrimination, with subjects being young kids, old ladies, pregnant women, or healthy men. Through terrible tests; such as vivisection without anesthesia, they learned many things like, having your organs removed fucking hurts. By removing arms and attaching them to the opposite side they received invaluable information, like that it’s really hard to open a jar of peanut butter when your arms are switched.

Not all human experimentation has such a negative outcome, on occasion, something really pleasant happens.

So, for all of you who are sick of sucking dick for enough cash to buy your black tar heroin, I encourage you to remember that there’s always another way.