The New Yorker staff scribbled up a list of book-inspired perfumes that will have the literate chortling contently. Great Expectations Splash has a hint of moldy old mansion and the Sex and the City Eau de Toilet is “an aged blend of vodka, vermouth, spermicide, and buttercream frosting, bottled in a flask. Slosh it on, ladies.” Suggestions?

Please think of something better than my American Psycho Cologne: a bold flower-scent. Comes in a distinguished package with subtle off-white colouring, tastefully thick, and oh my God, it even has a watermark.

Please.