sideboob

Clearly, doing things to your vagina is all the rage, especially if it involves small shiny things that can be sucked up and lost in there forever. There are also things that even I didn’t know about for quite some time, like “female pumping” or “ass dilation,” which is clearly saying something. Today we will go over all of these things, and more (!), because I decide what this column is going to be about, and I like to keep it classy (and nothing says “class” like “eel in a lady cave”).

Okay, as promised, first up to bat is what respectable people like to call “female pumping,” but what I like to call “attaching a product–hawked by someone that has defied all science by still being alive–to your juicy bits and doing all you can to ensure the term ‘meat curtain’ is as accurate as possible.” According to the website, if you do this often enough, your vagina can become permanently engorged and even more disgusting than the labia already is. They also provide photos of these luscious beauts for you to fap to when watching Asians shove endangered species inside of themselves gets old. (P.S.-This site provides one of the most unerotic videos I have ever seen; however, if you like the idea of a vag taking on the shape of a muppet’s mouth, then you’re in for a real treat.)

The Wikipedia page for penile subincision states that cutting one’s dick in half is and age old ritual in various parts of the world, and a rite of passage for some. Somehow, unsurprisingly, that doesn’t stop spoiled Americans from acting the norm, and wanting what everyone else (or hardly anyone else) has. The process of obtaining a half-chub has something to do with chopping the urethra in half, and being okay with the idea of having a cephalopod take over your junk. Understandably, the surgery makes one more susceptible to sexually transmitted infections, and may decrease the chances of getting someone pregnant. I want you to imagine this coupled with this, and tell me how penile subincision could be a good idea. Of course, if you ignore all of that, you will officially have the greatest party trick ever. (Oh, and for those interested, there’s even an eHow dedicated to the subject.)

The thing about 2 Girls 1 Cup and Tub Girl is that anyone who eats enough Indian food can do that. You know what impresses me? A girl that canshoot marine animals out of her butt, with military like precision and force. That clearly takes more talent than shitting on yourself, because almost everyone I know has been so drunk they’ve done that at least once, but I don’t think there’s any amount of Maker’s Mark that could get you to do that.

Sorry guys, we didn’t cover ass dilation or rebirth, but that’s what Google is for.

Photo taken by Bearded Boy AKA Elliot Ensor.