How being a mediocre writer for a “hip” New York City blog has enhanced my life.

10: Mumbling that you write for “Animal New York” which is a “subculture, media blog” to doormen and bouncers actually works. Case in point: VIP access at Ke$ha show last night.
9: People who say they are lawyers on the internet read my posts. Assuming they are speaking the truth, lawyers read this blog. This isn’t impressive to anyone else?
8: I’ve written about how much I despise children numerous times, and how we as a collective group should put an end to new ones, twice (one, two).
7: Posting a photo of my tits causes Gawker to link, and page views to go up. Posting photos of my face causes the opposite to happen.
6: People don’t want to be educated about current events, they just want to hear about how I went to jail.
5: Bucky Turco gets compared to retards, because of me.
4: People now recognize me on the street, because they love my writing so much! I think this is how I know I made it in the literary world.
3: Telling a judge that you write for Animal will subsequently lead to charges being dropped. (True story: Had to go to court for a five year old traffic ticket, judge asked what I was doing to better the world, and the case was closed.)
2: People hate when I write about myself.
1: People actually love when I write about myself.