Triflin’ Whores

03.29.10 Kari Ferrell

100329-moscow-blasts-hmed-345a.h2As I have said before, I’m not a feminist by any means, and after hearing some of the stupid shit that comes out of our mouths on a daily basis I sometimes wish the “don’t speak until you are spoken to” rule would be reinstated. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that females are more than adept at accomplishing things other than doing dishes and cooking, like having children out of wedlock and sucking dick for free t-shirts. There are some women, though, who really up the bar and take “fucking shit up” to the next level.

Earlier today, a female suicide bomber walked into the Yugo-Zapadnaya subway station in southwest Moscow, packing major heat. She detonated the bombs and various explosives in conjunction with an oncoming train, causing an onslaught of terror and chaos. Forty minutes later a second female suicide bomber followed suit at the Park Kultury station, on the same train line. The two alleged “black widows” killed 38 and injured at least 65. Apparently, the two are associated with Chechen rebels, from the North Caucasus region of Russia; where there is a long history of turmoil between the Chechens and the Russian government.

Next on the list is Elizabeth Bathory, the one who can be held solely responsible for the Twilight craze we’ve all had to endure throughout the past few years. Having an affinity for poor virgin blood, Countess Liz-B would commonly find young peasants, strip them of their mange rags, throw them outside and let them freeze to death–all while watching from her cozy innards-strewn minaret–then drain them of their juice, following the festivities with a nice mixed drink and blood bath. Bathory was convinced that this would keep her young and virulent. Same goes for biting the flesh off of the female’s faces and yummy junk, as well. She was said to have over 600 victims, but was never convicted for any.

Finally, Lady Di, Princess of Wales. As if popping out a hideous ginger Nazi and possessing the least stylish bouffant on the planet wasn’t enough, bitch had to go and die an untimely death and spur one mediocre Elton John single. From a 2007 biography it is said that Diana was “spiteful, manipulative, media-savvy neurotic.” Sounds a little like yours truly, does it not? Perhaps one day, an entire nation’s civil unrest can be accredited to me.