Many Internetters (including me) went all Dee Snider this weekend over the Transportation Security Administration’s new security measures, which involve officers fondling and groping people in their private-est places at airport security checkpoints.

And you thought the Rapiscan (rape scan?) machines were bad enough! Let’s review some of the weekend’s work-product.

  • A TSA officer threatened intrepid libertarian blogger Johnny Edge with a $10,000 fine after he refused to be groped or rape-scanned, then try to leave the airport. Captured on video.
  • An airline attendant posted on a forum about an incident in which a TSA officer working the porno-scanner supposedly said, “heads up, got a cutie for you,” into his headset thingie upon seeing an 18-year-old woman approach the security detector.
  • A 17-year-old girl posted on the same forum that she’s worried about being TSA’ed over the holidays. On this issue, “what about the children?” does apply.
  • Rolling Stone contributing music editor David Wild compiled a pat-down play list of songs that is also the worst play list ever made.

This one’s not the TSA’s fault, but still worth mentioning: On a plane bound for Memphis, a passenger reported a nerdy-looking food stylist for “suspicious behavior” because of the stylist’s “atom bomb” knuckle tattoos. “Atom bomb” was the guy’s childhood nickname. Hysteria/dumbness 1, common sense 0.

The Electronic Privacy Information Center has already filed a lawsuit against the Department of Homeland Security demanding suspension of body-scanner use, and the ACLU’s now collecting stories from people who have pat-down abuse stories to tell. So maybe these measures can be litigated out of existence. It’s hard to imagine the highest court in the land deciding against something that violates people’s civil rights, but you never know: even Justice Antonin Scalia has his moments.

Regarding the new touchy-feely pat-downs: Earlier this year, people were talking about butt bombs. And now they’re not. But the butt bombs are still on the terrorists’ table, right? Or has the CIA intercepted intelligence indicating that the terrorists now want to go with a more “gentlemanly” method of blowing shit up? Maybe that’s what the bomb-dogs were about–not as personal, and not as weird.

Whatever the case, pat-downs won’t stop a butt bomb. Remember that on your way home for the holidays. Oh, and by the way: stuffing = turkey butt bomb. Especially if it’s got sausage in it–that stuff’s nasty.