‘American Psycho’ Remake: Five Reasons This Shouldn’t Happen

“Remake.” If the very word fills your guts with hate, gurgling like a pre-vomit spasm of acute film-related displeasure, you best not read on. Yes, someone is allegedly remaking the 2000 Christian Bale-starring movie classic based on the 1991 Bret Easton Ellis-penned fiction classic. Barf. Here’s why…

1) Occupy Wall Street confusion: Though he is a horrible serial killer and all that, Patrick Bateman is one of those sneaky literary villains who actually functions as a protagonist of the story, embodying everything that is wrong with the ’80s Wall Street investment banker NYC culture and exterminating it as well, axe-blow by axe-blow, an Ouroboros if you will. As it would be impossible to make a Wall Street-related movie without absorbing Occupy as an element, this will just be confusing. I’m confused just talking about it.
2) Christian Bale was the best killer yuppie ever: Who the hell is going to replace him? Robert Pattinson? C’mon.
3) Wrong decade for music: What the hell is going to replace Huey Lewis & the News? Trent Reznor and Karen O? C’mon.
4) Robert Longo: Decorating Bateman’s apartment with Longo was intentionally ironic because it was too cool for him to get. What the hell is going to replace Longo? Shepard Fairey because it’s ironic because he’s all like “Occupy Wall Street, kinda! Yey!” but isn’t really? C’mon!
5) The word “remake” fills my guts with hate.

Also, I think I accidentally just thought of the worst movie ever.

I’m really sorry.