The New York Times reports today that ice has been falling from buildings, tree branches, signs, and other objects lately. The recent snowstorms seem to have something to do with this phenomenon, which is a totally new thing.
Four reporters worked on this story, by the way, and they didn’t even provide any helpful hints on how to save your life from falling ice chunks. That’s not responsible journalism. So here’s where we come in:
- Wear a hard hat. Glue little diamonds on it to add fashion flair.
- Mold a hat out of concrete and wear that. Attach a visor made of steel or heavy plastic to keep ice chunks from falling into your eyes.
- Carry a card table on your head. When you get tired, you can set up the table and invite strangers to chat with you or play poker and other games. You should set up the table in the street, though, to avoid the ice falling from skyscrapers.
- Don’t leave the house. But how will you know if the ice is melted, if you don’t leave the house? Hm, I don’t know. Maybe you should never leave the house again.
- Chant “ice don’t fall on me” while you walk. The ice will hear you and (probably) obey.
- If you have long hair, use resin or some other molding/stiffening agent to mold your hair into a hardened “hair roof.” Make sure to mold the bangs forward to create an awning.
- Wear one of these. It doesn’t have to be a Canada umbrella hat–you can pick your favorite country and wear its umbrella hat instead. Mine says “Paraguay.”
(Image: Bryant Park Fountain, Flickrofamoment)