This handy map from Pleated Jeans turns USA stats into a cartographic parade of obesity, corruption and gonorrhea. It’s ugly, and not just in North Dakota. Alaska’s damn dreadful though, huh? (Sorry Yanks, no refunds!) Best case scenario, you weasel in between porny Utah and cokey Colorado and stay put. And then there’s New York’s terrible problem of… daily commute average of 30.6 minutes? Really? That’s our biggest problem?

Let’s all laugh at these guys now:

Rationale and statistics

Most stats taken from America’s Health Rankings and Census.gov (unless otherwise noted).
1. Alabama: highest rate of stroke (3.8 percent) (tied with Oklahoma)
2. Alaska: highest suicide rate (23.6 suicides per 100,000 people in 2004)
3. Arizona: highest rate of alcoholism
4. Arkansas: worst average credit score (636)
5. California: most air pollution (15.2 micrograms per cubic meter)
6. Colorado: highest rate of cocaine use per capita (3.9 percent total population)
7. Connecticut: highest rate of breast cancer
8. Delaware: highest abortion rate (27 per 1,000 women aged 15 to 44)
9. Florida: highest rate of identity theft (122.3 reports per 100,000 people)
10. Georgia: sickly based on highest rate of influenza
11. Hawaii – highest cost of living (tied with California)
12. Idaho – lowest level of Congressional clout
13. Illinois: highest rate of robbery (284.7 incidences per 100,000 people)
14. Indiana: rated the most environmentally unfriendly by NMI solutions
15. Iowa: highest percentage of people age 85 and older (1.8 percent) (tied with three other states)
16. Kansas: poorest health based on highest average number of limited activity days per month (3.5 days)
17. Kentucky: most cancer deaths (227 per 100,000 people) (BONUS fact: Kentucky also has the highest rate of tobacco smokers – 25.6 percent)
18. Louisiana: highest rate of gonorrhea (264.4 reported cases per 100,000 people)
19. Maine: dumbest state claim based on lowest average SAT score (1389)
20. Maryland: highest rate of AIDS diagnosis (27.6 people per 100,000 people)
21. Massachusetts: worst drivers claim based on highest rate of auto accidents
22. Michigan: highest unemployment rate (13.6 percent)
23. Minnesota: highest number of reported tornadoes (123 in 2010)
24. Mississippi: highest rate of obesity (35.3 percent of total population)BONUS facts: Mississippi ranks last in the most number of categories. These include highest rate of child poverty (31.9 percent), highest rate of infant mortality (10.3 percent) lowest median household income ($35,078), highest teen birth rate (71.9 per 1,000 women aged 15 to 19) and highest overall rate of STDs.
25. Missouri: highest rate of bankruptcy (700 out of every 100,000 people)
26. Montana: highest rate of drunk driving deaths (1.12 deaths per 100 million miles driven)
27. Nebraska: highest rate of women murdered annually
28. Nevada: highest rate violent crime (702.2 offenses per 100,000 people). BONUS fact: Nevada also has the highest rate of foreclosure (one in 99 houses)
29. New Hampshire: highest rate of corporate taxes
30. New Jersey: highest rate of citizen taxation (11.8 percent)
31. New Mexico: antisocial claim based on lowest ranking in social heath policies
32. New York: longest average daily commute (30.6 minutes)
33. North Carolina: lowest average teacher salary
34. North Dakota: ranked last in ugliest residents report as chosen by The Daily Beast
35. Ohio: nerdiest state claim based on highest number of library visits per capita (6.9)
36. Oklahoma: highest rate of female incarceration
37. Oregon: highest rate of long-term homeless people
38. Pennsylvania: highest rate of arson deaths (55.56 annually)
39. Rhode Island: highest rate of illicit drug use (12.5 percent of population)
40. South Carolina: highest percentage of mobile homes (18.8 percent)
41. South Dakota: highest rate of forcible rape 76.5 per 100,000
42. Tennessee: chosen most corrupt state by The Daily Beast
43. Texas: lowest high school graduation rate (78.3 percent)
44. Utah: highest rate of of online porn subscriptions
45. Vermont: infertility claim based on lowest birth rate of any state (10.6 births per 1,000) (tied with Maine)
46. Virginia: highest number of alcohol-related motorcyle deaths
47. Washington: most cases of bestiality (4 reported in 2010)
48. West Virginia: highest rate of heart attack (6.5 percent of population)
49. Wisconsin: highest rate of binge drinking (23.2 percent of population)
50. Wyoming: highest rate of deadly car crashes (24.6 deaths per 100,000)