Attention Russian girlies ripping their shirts open for Putin. Stop your sexy parties. Cut it out with the pin-up calendars. Put a stopper up in there, because your sexual fetish for Comrade Macho is about get curbed. Prime Minister (soon re-President) Vladimir Putin did not discover those ancient Greek jugs on a diving expedition.

In fact, a Moscow spokesman is being quite candid about the affair, which is simultaneously rare and terrifying:

Look, Putin didn’t find down there jugs that had lain there for many thousands of years. It’s obvious. Of course, they were found in the course of an expedition several weeks or days earlier. Of course, they were left there or placed there. It’s completely normal. There’s no reason to gloat about this and everything else.

That’s right! Aha! And guess what? That judo-tiger-manly-horseback-shirtless-biker shtick? Fake! His rendition of ‘Blueberry Hill?’ Auto-tuned! Don’t cry, don’t cry… That’s still real. Or not. Who cares. There’s no such thing as a democratic election in Russia.