With a failed theology tinkering on the brink of collapse, dwindling attendance numbers, and an unusually high amount of the priesthood penetrating little boys, one would assume the Catholic Church has much more pressing matters than arguing whether a politician should be permitted to eat a cracker or not. Apparently not.

According to arcane laws contradictory to the teachings of Jesus Christ, divorced Catholics (or any chronic sinners for that matter) should not partake in communion. Of course the majority do, but it cyclically becomes an issue when someone in the public spotlight whose marital status is known, like Andrew Cuomo or Rudy Giuliani, does! Shouldn’t the Church be singing high praises that anyone is even attending anymore and stop sounding like deranged gay men? It’s like Vatican consultant Dr. Edward Peters is jealous that Cuomo has a girlfriend and not a choirboy concubine.