Hey, ho-ho-ho and Happy Holidays from ANIMAL. Picking out gifts is hard, especially now that the big day is only a week away, so we did the legwork and searched high and low to find the best one-stop emergency shopping district this city offers.

Fifth avenue has too many tourists and rich old people, SoHo has too many tourists and rich young people, and Times Square is about as tolerable as a Tabasco colonoscopy. So we ended up in Chinatown.

The culture-rich area is ripe and ready with gifts that will make you the most popular person around the tree, menorah, festivus pole, or whatever else. If you’re worried about this holiday season being as anxious and disastrous as the last: forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.

Harry Potter Telephone Pendant: It’s four gifts in one! This Harry Potter doll/necklace/telephone/Bindi-laden devotional piece produces a wide range of sounds, from a barking dog to a dialup modem connecting to the web. With this many functions, the Harry Potter Telephone Pendant is sure to have something for everyone. $4

Magic Garden: For the unmotivated green-thumb on your list, this garden requires only one watering and about eight hours to bloom into wonderful splashes of color. $6.95

Erotic Porcelain Paperweight: Ever feel sexually stifled while you’re sitting at the office? Simply gaze down at this beautiful, artisanal piece and feel that old familiar tingling in your private parts. Perfect for the 60+ set. $5

Fan Xhy Glow-in-the-Dark Bracelet: This bracelet is fanxhy indeed! As a gender-neutral piece, this beautiful jewelry can be enjoyed by Nanxhy and Clanxhy alike. Take a chanxhe this holiday and grab the Fan Xhy Bracelet! $2

Kedi and Tianxian BaoBao Backpacks: For the young Brooklynite trendsetter on the go, these fashionable plastic backpacks are twice as edgy as fanny packs and just as useful: tiny enough to accessorize your 285 Kent slutty baby get-up and carry your special supplies–the kind that will have that questionable English making perfect sense. $0.50 each

Obama/Romney Money: No matter who you voted for, these Obama and Romney dollar bills will have your family feeling rich this holiday season. $2 each

Bloody Putty: Playing doctor never felt so gory! For ages three and up, so even your toddler can enjoy imagining the feeling of a freshly opened wound. $1

Holographic Jesus: Wow! His eyes follow you wherever you go! For the frequently chemically-catatonic teenager in your family. Prepare for hours of meaningful eye contact. With your Lord. $5

Squirt Strong Man: Think you’re strong? You haven’t met the squirt strong man, with a six pack…on his legs! Test your strength with this sploctchy-tanned muscle menace, but beware, he fights dirty. $6

Trend Refined Collection – Ten Different Kinds of Style Toy Babies: They’re cute! They’re babies! They’re ten different kinds of style! Arrange them around your bedroom and really nail that I-love-infantile-monks look. $5

(Photos: Aymann Ismail/ANIMALNewYork)