Extremely Finicky Man Looking for Very Specific Love in Hell’s Kitchen

08.24.12 Bucky Turco

“Attention Ladies – All U White Cuties & Hispanic Honies,” reads the first line of a personal ad spotted in a Hell’s Kitchen phone booth. Not surprisingly, it gets progressively weirder and creepier. The author of the Craigslist-like solicitation, who calls himself Malik, is pretty straightforward about what he’s looking for:

Highly attractive; white or hispanic; have long blonde or red hair; VERY curvaceous/voluptuous (NOT FAT), beautiful legs, face and body, big chested (VERY BUSTY), between the age of 21-55.”

And he’s not nearly done. The woman of his dreams must also “love hockey (New York Rangers fan) baseball (New York Mets fan), basketball (Los Angeles Lakers fan) & football (New York Jets fan).”

Wait, there’s more:

Also must be smart (educated), employed (career-minded), independent, doesn’t smoke, drinks on occasions, drug & disease-free, very promiscuous – into 3-somes (2 Ladies/1 Guy) & 4-somes (3 Ladies/1 Guy), love the color red (which is MY FAVORITE COLOR).

Just when you think this public correspondence is starting to sound like a page out of a serial killer’s journal, he lists all the acceptable “nationalities” he’s willing to accept and this:

MUST LOOK HIGHLY-HOT, “LOVE TO WEAR” mini-skirts, daisy-duke shorts, brown-shaded thigh-hi’s & (or) pantyhose & 5-6 inch spiked heels, have long (red polished) fingernails & MUST BE A GREAT-KISSER (IN OTHER WORDS-U MUST KNOW HOW 2 MAKE-OUT WITH ME) !!!!! ALSO, PORNSTARS R WELCOMED!

Not to judge a book by its cover, but the FBI might as well go ahead and preemptively add this guy to their Most Wanted list.