After Mariano Rivera’s review of the Yankees fragrance last month, we at ANIMAL were anxious to get our hands and nostrils on the smell of team spirit. The good folks behind the scents were kind enough to give us a whiff at both the spirited men’s cologne and the dainty women’s perfume. Luckily, the ANIMAL newsroom is packed with classically trained perfumists, and so we offer you here a collection of the most eloquent one-sentence reviews of the Yankees fragrances.

With notes of grass and the metal that’s in your fillings, Yankees for Him is more thematically related to baseball than olfactorily.

“Smells like cool middle school.”

“That doesn’t smell like leather at all.”

“Wait, the Yankees play baseball, right?”

“Like when I started shaving but didn’t have to.”

“Axe Body Spray for tweens.”

“Kind of like Russians.”

“That shit is smelly.”

“Smells like my Uncle Louie.”

“I regret smelling this.”

Yankees for Her, on the other hand, is much sweeter, more youthful, kind of like a cavity. In this way, the two are complementary, like a baseball and a bat.

“Yeah, that girl’s down to fuck.”

“Undertones of—what is that? Bubble gum?”

“Like a strip club.”

“Ooh, red flag!”

“It smells like frosting and, like, condoms.”

“Like a ten-year-old in high heels.”

“A hangover?”

“Strawberry Shortcake’s armpit.”

“I regret smelling this.”

An ANIMAL exclusive. (Photo: Joseph Schulhoff/ANIMALNewYork)