Last night, while I was rubbing together a couple of quarters for a slice of pizza for dinner, a Coton de Tulear pooch named Baby Hope Diamond broke the Guinness World Record for most expensive pet wedding at over $155,000.00. She trotted down the aisle—or rather, she was led down the aisle on a matrimonial leash—in a “gown” rumored to be $6,000.00 to greet her groom, a poodle named Chilly Pasternak, who became Baby Hope’s fiancee after winning an online vote. I wish I could say that I’m kidding.

The blessed nuptials took place at Jumeirah Essex House Hotel at Central Park, and was planned by a “celebrity wedding planner” and lit by a “lighting guru.” In front of 250 guests, each of whom paid for the chance to attend, the pup-le (that’s pup-couple, okay?) did something equivalent to saying “I do”—I’m not sure whether it was barking or drooling or what—as Triumph, the foul-mouthed dog puppet officiated.

All snark aside, the event was, in fact, a fundraiser for the Humane Society of New York. All procedes and luxury items were donated to the animal charity. I guess I’m just bitter: this dog’s wedding cost more than what is likely to be spent on my wedding and my funeral combined. (Photo: Shutterstock. I’m sure Baby Hope would want it noted that this is not a picture of the happy couple mentioned in the preceding article.)