With the Russian presidential elections just around the corner, Putin’s campaign team is getting intimate, pitching woo to “virgin” voters. Yes, it goes there.

Allow me to (kinda) translate. A doe-eyed gal goes to a fortune teller, who kittenishly divulges:

“We’ll find out, little beauty, who fate has in store for you.”
“You know, I hope it’s for love.” Blink-blink-blink. “It’s my… first time.”
“The carrrds will tell the truth… I see it will be for love… without deception…” (AHEM AHEM)
A Putin card is revealed.
“Wow. It’s him!”
“You’ll be happy with him. He’ll protect you like a stone wall.” (Or something…)

And the kicker:

Putin. First time — only for <3.

Oh, barf. Well, if a Putin deflowering is not to your taste, here’s a United Russia/Putin party classic — hot random sex in a voting booth while disregarding election procedures!

(Tip: Julia Ioffe)