Like all right thinking people, I am not particularly enamored by the smell of jizz. It smells at best of old bleach, puddled up in the bottom of a dirty bucket, and it’s not typically a scent I take extra effort to savor by, say, making origami flowers out of spent tissues.

So man do these trees really smell like cum. Like, a lot. A big, feathery blast of damp, floral spooge. I walked out of the door of the ANIMAL office and it was like I took a wrong turn into a kinky weather system and got drenched by a thunderstorm of masturbating clouds.

I asked on Twitter what the culprits were and was told by several they were gingko trees. But gingko has a very distinct fan-shaped leaf, while these appear to be different. And they are all over. Every couple of avenues have these trees and they’re just spurting big blustery tufts of jizzy white flowers all over the place and it’s starting to make me feel like I’m doing something dangerous if I go outside without condoms stuffed up each nostril.

What are these trees and is it illegal to cut them down? I would research this myself but I have to go towel off.

Update: According to a disgusting green-thumbed pervert in the comments, the tree is a “Pyrus calleryana Chanticleer” or Chanticleer Pear. And they’re building a school across the street from these trees! There oughtta be a saw.