First of all, “Fuck Christmas. Fuck this shit. Put my dick in a box. Fuck this gift…” Although, there has been some surprisingly good Xmas new music — not old Xmas music, fuck old Xmas music — so it’s not that bad. However, Cai Guo-Qiang’s recent live installation Black Christmas Tree really hits the spot.

You should know his name. Cai Guo-Qiang is one of the most respected Chinese artists working today and his recent controlled explosions inside the MoCA went over pretty well. So, you should trust him completely to exorcise the spirit of Christmas from this here 40-foot pine by the Smithsonian in DC. As the explosions commence, the simple pine is enveloped in black smoke and tiny fiery spurts of “tree-lights” sputter across it’s surface. The best part about this Christmas tree is that it lasts one-and-a-half seconds. The tree survived and was replanted. Pine massacre free! Hallelujah!

But really. Fuck Christmas. And especially, fuck Santacon! I did not need a slobbering drunk Santa Bro from Long Island whether or not I am “WitIt,” ok? Did not need that experience.

Pass me pyrotechnics, Cai Guo-Qiang.