Lars von Trier’s hotly anticipated two-part epic Nymphomaniac did not make it to Cannes because they weren’t ready. They — parts of Charlotte Gainsbourg, Shia LaBeouf, Uma Thurman, and various fucking pornstars — were still being rendered together into a seamless, hardcore celebrity experience.

Producer Louise Vesth explains:

We shot the actors pretending to have sex and then had the body doubles, who really did have sex, and in post we will digital-impose the two. So above the waist it will be the star and the below the waist it will be the doubles.

Some buys are calling it “groundbreaking… like nothing I’ve ever seen.” Sounds complicated. Just fuck! No? There’s a monetary interests in public intercourse exclusivity to protect there, or something. Right. And in Antichrist, genitals weren’t fairing well, lest we forget Gainsbourg’s bloody dramatic self-amputation of a clitoral prosthetic. Girls, amirite?!

Well, we’re all waiting to see the story of a Joe (Gainsbourg), a diagnosed nymphomaniac, from birth to age 50 and all that composited sex. Melancholia was incredible. Bring it. “Lars has thrown everything in this one,” Vesth says. “It’s about religion, about God, about philosophy.” Alright.