The Bling Ring (2013)

OMFG TMZ MOVIE ROFL! Think of Sofia Coppola next time you hear currently popular pop song. So, like, very rich teenagers break into houses of like, very, very rich people and steal their [insert luxury brand name here] jewelry and [insert couture brand name here] clothes, then parade the scintillating pilfered plumage in club until ***SPOILER ALERT*** they get caught. Then they’re like, “Why are we going to jail, LOL? Jail is stupid.” LOL.

 

WHITEWASHING LEVEL: 3.5 out of 5

It’s not reality: It’s a movie. So let’s make everyone very skinny, very white and a little bit Asian and throw a gay in there. Hermione tho! You sexy now.

 

CAPITALISM-AS-MORAL-DISEASE, THE MESSAGE: 2 out of 5

“Let’s go shopping!” Robin Hood for nihilists. The message: Ethical misdoings of these soulless brats are byproducts of American Capitalism because they are stealing from other morally ambivalent people so like oh wait never mind I’m just projecting.

 

LOS ANGELES REALISM: 2.5 out of 5

That is totally not how you break into houses, Sofia Coppola you are cray BUT I KNOW WHERE THEY FILMED THAT I AM FROM LA AND SPECIAL (◡‿◡✿). ゜・。。・゜☆ ゜And that fence I also recognize. Y U SO SHALLOW. Everybody drugs! You assholes are going to make Adderall illegal.

 

Minimalist review: Marina Galperina
Minimalist graphics: Nate Cepis
More: All Minimalist Film Reviews