Lucy (2014)

This is Luc Besson’s Cujo. Scarlett Johansson is like dumb, wakes up with a bag of fictional drugs inside her stomach. It leaks and suddenly, something about her brain. Superpowers.

LOOKED COOL FOR A FEW SECONDS: 2.0 out of 5.0

Like when her hand was TWO hands. And on the airplane, when she bursts into flesh pixels a little so she chows down on the bag of drugs and they unmelt her face, blue stuff, reverse-datamosh, all over her face. That was sick.

THIS IS THE DUMBEST SCIENCE FICTION MOVIE EVER MADE: 4.5 out of 5.0
 
You could see the pain in Morgan Freeman’s eyes every time he opened his mouth to byak pseudo-science demagoguery into this flaccid CGI pile of a movie devoid of kitsch and metaphor. But but but wait u thought it was “summer’s best, coolest, juiciest, smartest action movie” AHAHAHHAAAAA “bombards you with allusive montages (say, of various species copulating) and the intricate drizzle of computer algorithms, and ultimately spirals into transcendent, Kubrickian speculation, all while satisfying the basic movie appetite for twists and thrills.” It most certainly does none of these things and nothing makes sense because everything is stupid. TIME’s Richard Corliss, you need to slapped in the face with your own raging erection, sir, for even mentioning that painfully forced 2001: Space Odyssey faux-mages. This movie would only work if Lucy was actually TEN MILES HIGH the entire time; it would explain why the whole thing feels like a dumb person’s dirty stimulant trip where they have convinced themselves they are making thoughts BUT THEY’RE JUST REALLY REALLY HIGH twitching in the corner maybe remembering a real movie for half a second.

SEXY OFFICE CHAIR: 4.0 out of 5.0

There is a stupid, stupid fucking sequence at the end where she travels through times and spaces. She’s on this floating office chair. It is… seriously… the sexiest office chair I’ve ever seen. She turns into a flash drive in the end. I mean, *SPOILER ALERT* she turns into a flash drive at the end.

(Graphics: Michael WeinfeldMore: All Minimalist Film Reviews