Keeping it short and sweet, I would just like to say that I appreciate all of you dear readers, and even more so appreciate the naysayers. You made my writing much more enjoyable (for me, at least), and for that I will be forever grateful.

For the few of you that made it this far and aren’t rejoicing wildly, and are—for some inane reason—interested as to why the ANIMAL and I are parting, it’s because I’m realizing the naysayers have been right for all this time: my writing sucks. I have decided to take some time off to concentrate on really understanding what “quality over quantity” means. Maybe I’ll take those classes that Mediabistro is always yammering on about, or maybe I’ll realize there is no hope for me, and just quit doing it outright.

Whatever the case, I hope that this is not the last time I appear on the site, as that would mean that I truly am obsolete. So whether you next see me authoring a post or appearing in one (talking about how my body was found underneath the Manhattan Bridge with a double-sided dildo sticking out of my mouth), I look forward to it.

Also, if my rambling in 140 characters is more your style, follow me on Twitter @hotdoghandjobs

Supposedly, 7,000 contracted employees received about 17.7 billion dollars from 2007 to 2009, but all information prior to 2007 is too cryptic to decipher. Reports show that $5.5 million of taxpayers money went to the construction of six buildings that turned out to be completely unusable.

Due to this slight oversight in bookkeeping, the people may never know how much was actually spent on Afghanistan (though once the total can warrant the use of nine zeros, it’s a bit difficult to understand how much money that is anyhow).

According to our overseas correspondent stationed in Afghanistan, the company that he is employed by was granted millions of dollars last year just to “stand up two units,” which essentially means to deploy personnel and equipment, and to ensure that they are fully operational. Although he admits, that when they arrived, they were forced to build their own quarters from scrap wood fished out of dumpsters.

The reports also state that $1.8 billion dollars given to DynCorp International for police training and counter-narcotics work in Afghanistan. Which is interesting, as the US (specifically the CIA and numerous “non-existent” organizations) aids the transport of massive quantities of drugs from the Middle East.

As far as I’m concerned, the government should just dole out money to its citizens (i.e. ME), forget about Afghanistan, and let us “rebuild” America.

The owner of MySpace, Rupert Murdoch, who has a face like a bag of water-logged beans, bought the property for $580 million in 2005, and ever since has been trying to connect with Generation Y. Using exclusive movies, music, interviews, and specials the company is flailing around trying lure the kids back in.

Since I haven’t been on MySpace for a long time and have never had a Facebook page, I decided to give social networking another chance. Obviously I went with the familiar underdog, and created myself a shiny new account.

Signing up was FREE, as the site kept reminding me, and easy enough to do. First step was to modify my information so I seem far more interesting than I actually am, and second was to slap some edgy photos up, so everyone can see how alternative I am. Third step was to upload a picture of myself, preferably doing something naked, so I get a lot of page views. Unfortunately, MySpace wouldn’t allow me to do that, because its incapable of doing anything right and still doesn’t allow lurid photos. So just pretend that you can see me cleaning out the furnace, in the nude.

For all of you sad sacks that still frequent MySpace (which, at this point is worse than if LinkedIn and OKCupid had a retarded child), add me! We can be part of a new culture that doesn’t care if things work properly, or at all. We cast a blind eye to faults and mismanaged ventures, patiently waiting for our time to shine again.

Being referred to as a “blackout in a can,” Four Loko has made recent headlines over a gay hate crime and almost killing several people. Sounds like a drink I need inside of me, immediately.

First off, let’s break down what the drink actually contains in its glorious 24 oz. An anonymous amount of caffeine (the actual amount is undisclosed, though I’ve heard it is the equivalent to five Red Bulls) and 12% alcohol, that turns out to be something like three beers in one (or five to six, according to MSNBC).

A few weeks ago, nine members of the Latin King Goonies from the Bronx, tortured and sodomized three gay men. One of the men was forced to drink ten cans of Four Loko, that he himself had provided, after being tricked to think that he was attending a party. Somehow, the man survived, and all nine gang members are being tried with several felony counts.

The alcoholic energy drink was again in the news this week, after records were released concerning a party that occurred on October 8th at Central Washington University. Out of 50 people drinking, nine were hospitalized with BAC levels of .12 to .35 percent, after consuming mass quantities of Four Loko.

Authorities, school officials, and members of the administration are obvious haters of fun, and are trying to get Four Loko taken off the shelves forever. They cite scientific studies claiming that mixing caffeine and any sort of alcohol is not good for you, as if that is reason enough, and go on to say that it is marketed towards young kids, with it’s bright colors and Arizona Tea-like packaging.

Whatever, old people, you just don’t understand our generation. We’re all about living life to the extreme, and any activity that has an element of death attached to it is just that much better. Besides, the possibility of dying is all a facade, because if the creators of Four Loko have taught me anything, it’s that shit is safe.

Hollywood has a penchant for taking anything even subpar at best, and raping it in the mouth until it vomits a diluted second take on the same plot. The Hangover was a mostly funny movie punctuated by a bearded man running around the desert and then getting assaulted by a hulking black man. When it was decided to make a sequel, they needed another Mike Tyson-esque one-two punch, and the most obvious answer was Mel Gibson.

Until, it turns out, that the cast members didn’t take kindly to finding out that they’d have to be in close proximity to Mel. Possibly in fear of being slapped and yelled at, I can’t say I blame them.

For whatever reason, it was believed that this role would be Gibson’s tour de force, and revive his career as it once was. Somehow I can’t imagine that having a cameo as a tattoo artist in a movie whose main demographic didn’t give a fuck about you in the first place, is the right move.

According to reports, Zach Galifianakis, the obvious star of the film, is one who did not want to work with Mel. It’s unknown who made the call that actually fired Gibson, but Liam Neeson is now set to take over the role.

As much as I really don’t care about this movie or Mel Gibson, I will probably end up seeing it, and I will probably realize that no one can play a crazed, ridiculous old bastard (which I’m assuming is what the role is) like an actual crazed, ridiculous bastard. His only real skill is being recorded while yelling; are we really going to deny him that pleasure?

After Juan’s comment on Fox News about how he becomes “nervous” when he spots Allah-fearing freedom haters donning traditional “Muslim garb” on airplanes, his primary employer NPR decided to fire him.

Though I am as terrified of the unfamiliar as Juan, there are a few other things that should put a person on high alert. For example: babies. If there is a small child on your plane, you should worry. Explosives packed in their diapers, arsenic in their bottles; the possibilities are endless. The entire nation could be put in danger due to one stupid baby. Plus, if they weren’t a threat, why would the TSA put them on their No Fly list?

Another thing that should be of concern is small animals. Do you remember what you would do with little dogs when you were a kid? Pretty sure you stuck firecrackers up their butts, and caused a ruckus. Well, what other reason is there for bringing an animal on board? Some people just never grow out of their adolescence.

Also, you should be worried if while boarding your flight you see a really dark black person, someone carrying a first generation iPhone, poor people, lesbians, or really stressed out political hacks, as they’re all potential suspects.

As for Juan, I wouldn’t worry about him too much. After he was fired, Fox News picked him up for a cool two million dollars and soon he’ll have enough to afford his own personal jet, so he can avoid the Islam-y riff-raff altogether.

Which really doesn’t make sense, because homosexuals are the most vindictive people I know. If you wrong them, they will stab you in the heart, yank it out of one of your orifices, and then eat it—all while looking fabulous and listening to Donna Summer.

Earlier this year, studies stated that approximately 66,000 self-identifying gay people are currently serving in the US military. Homosexual men were banned outright during World War II, whereas lesbians were still able to serve, as it was illegal to ask a woman about her sexuality at the time. Fast forward to ‘Nam, where it was a way of avoiding the draft, and getting out of going to war.

In 1993, the Military Personnel Eligibility Act was revealed; now known as Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Basically DADT states that a gay man or woman can serve in the military, as long as they remain in the closet, and their veritable gayness isn’t out in the open, ready to attack and spread.

Last week, a federal judge came down on inequality regarding recruitment, forcing stations to treat gays and lesbians as they would anyone else. It’s ridiculous that a fucking judge had to come out and “force” people to treat other people with respect, but good on ‘em either way.

Yesterday, Dan Choi—the Iraqi war veteran, who was honorably discharged this summer for being gay—visited a New York recruitment station, in hopes of re-enlisting for the Army.

It is said that Choi and other gay veterans, could be re-enlisted, but never called to actual duty. A sort of loophole created by the government, so we think that they’re fair and balanced, but in actuality deters any real change from taking place. However, there’s mass confusion as to what is really going on, as it’s being said that gays once again cannot enlist at all.

When talking to ANIMAL’s resident military expert (DOD employee and Bearded Boy), he said that “there are many people within the military that hate gay people, mostly in part of just how popular hating them is.” As far as Don’t Ask Don’t Tell goes, he said that though he doesn’t personally agree with it, the policy stands to protect individuals. Whether or not it actually does is a different story. He went on to say that the “high military command has no idea how to deal with this. They are afraid of the reaction of the currently enlisted hetero-homo-haters.”

Honestly, I don’t really understand what the big hurrah about all of this is. I don’t know one person who wants to fight in the war—gay or straight—so don’t you think the government should be willing to accept anyone who sees it as their duty to do so? You would assume they’d be clamoring to enlist anyone, even if their bedazzled uniform stuck out like a straight man at a Cher concert. It seems that most of our command, however, would like to keep them out forever. A major blow to human rights, but at least the gays will get to keep their legs.

Earlier last week, she called out a bunch of Hispanic students for being Asian.

Sharron is really good at spouting shit out before thinking about exactly what she’s saying, a disease that all Tea Party candidates seem to be afflicted with.

Earlier this year she claimed that she would advise an imaginary 13-year-old who was knocked up by her papa to keep the child. Her convincing argument came to a close when she expressed that you can, indeed, turn “a lemon situation into lemonade.” Angle has also pulled out her vag numerous times, in hopes of making people give a fuck about what she’s saying.

The only things that are surprising about her making the Asian-Hispanic comment that she did, is that it didn’t happen sooner, and that it was made before the Rancho High School’s Hispanic Union. Doesn’t she know that once you anger a Mexican they’ll sic their whole familia on you?

There is also some controversy over the videos that are beginning to surface, as the person recording is told to stop throughout her “speech.” You can hear someone say, “We can’t have you recording this right now, we’re going to make an announcement in a second,” but living up to their reputation, the Hispanics didn’t listen.

To get back to the point, Angle decides that it would be a good idea to state that the three ready-to-make-a-burrito-out-of-your-body looking dudes in her campaign video don’t necessarily have to be Latino, as she doesn’t see race. As far as she knows, they—and everyone in the room—could be Asian.

Good on you, likely-to-be-Senator Angle. You’re teaching our children that race and stereotypes don’t matter and are often incorrect. You’re telling the younger generation that it’s all about being fair, and treating each individual as an equal. You’re showing the masses that there are people out there that care about everyone, and that you are there to stand up for the melting pot that is America. I mean, at least that’s what your people are saying.

With the industry slowly being shut down, one studio at a time, due to an anonymous carrier of the HIV virus, I once again feel like it could be my time to shine.

I’m the perfect candidate, as I am willing to tuck what little pride I have away at the first mention of making money, but I’m clean, which seems to be a hot commodity these days. I could even promote safe sex by forcing every bearded man I’m with to double bag it.

According to the authorities, the use of condoms is mandatory when shooting a pornographic movie; as the law requires production companies to protect their employees from “exposure to blood-borne pathogens.” The industry, however, doesn’t always comply; with most straight porn being filled sans cock sock. Though all companies claim that all actors and actresses must prove that they have a clean bill of health prior to filming.

Apparently that’s not the actual case, as one person seems to be single-handedly slaying the industry with their shitty immune system, and irresponsible actions. News of the outbreak came barreling out of the stocks last week, like a bull with a serious life threatening disease, and is back with a vengeance today, as the San Fernando Valley clinic where the actor tested positive has further stalled reporting of the positive test to county health officials.

Surprisingly, I’ve never been the victim of an intercourse casualty, which makes me the perfect candidate for a public harpooning. So, for the good of all mankind, and to ensure that the economy doesn’t fail due to the decline of a multi-billion dollar industry, I’m going to revive the porn industry by being featured in my very own. You’re welcome.

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The point is, your failure as an adult can soon be negated by living your childhood dream. In less than two years, space travel as a civilian will be possible.

The Virgin Galactic is set to take flight, in approximately 18 months. The ship is brought to you by the same people responsible for Virgin America, who were recently named the best airline in the US.

For the price of a large house in a rural area, you too can be shot into the atmosphere’s nether regions. Galactic is accepting deposits as low as 20,000 to secure your place in line.

With its first successful test run (in the air, not in space) only days ago, it’s obviously safe enough for you and other precious cargo. You can’t afford to not purchase tickets for you and all of your friends, immediately!

As fun as space travel sounds, I can’t believe that it is worth the amount of three to four years of wages. I imagine it would be like flying JetBlue with more legroom, and slightly better views. It seems like you could easily replicate this scenario at home by setting up a strobe light at a slow speed, slapping a few of those glow-in-the-dark stars on your walls, drinking a good amount of booze, and wearing goggles. About 360 people disagree, and have dropped the funds to get airborne with Virgin.

If you are prissy about these sort of things and want the genuine experience, but don’t want to shell out the 200 grand, you can head over to Space Adventures and take their suborbital flight for a cool $102,000.

Based upon the two websites (Virgin Galactic and Space Adventures) alone, I’d trust Space Adventures with my weightless body before letting the Geocities-esque Virgin come near me.

Despite what company you choose to fly with, if any of you can actually afford to zip around space in an aluminum can, we really need to be friends.