Evil Empirical

05.08.09 Bucky Turco


Each week, ANIMAL will rank the world’s most despicable, deplorable, and undesirable human beings walking the earth, making the news. Behold: Evil Empirical.

carrie-copy2Miss California
Still stinging from her it’s-not-okay-to-be-gay statement that cost her the Miss USA crown, Carrie Prejean, Miss California, has now suggested that some diabolical Sodomites “opposed to her Christian faith” are the ones responsible for leaking her teenage booby photos to the internet. Of course, Prejean has become the poster girl for Fox News, who are embracing her as their pretty-faced right wing martyrdom. But Fox can also sympathize with her plight — she’s not alone in being seduced by wanton desires. Wonder if she owns a loofa?

samSam Tremble
The “Hipster Snitcher” is almost as deplorable a human being as poor little Kari Ferrell due to his shameless self-promotion on the part of his band, “The Hermit Thrushes.” Really? You made a citizen’s arrest? You duped her right back! Right on, Sam! You’re a fucking hero. Now go back to your pantsless drumming and finding new inventive ways for alt weeklies to write about your shitty little band.

Has there ever been a more vulgar display of power than Oprah’s KFC online promotion? It’s scary to think that Oprah can almost blow up the internet, cause riots in the streets, and eliminate half the country’s grilled chicken supply with one singular statement on her show. This woman will one day start a war. She’s a menace that must be stopped before she Jim Jones’ the whole country.

drewDrew Peterson
Every one was fascinated by this fat little old man who would seemingly charm the pants off of impressionable young women with remarkable ease. Then they’d go missing and he’d shrug his shoulders and feign sympathy, even though everyone who watched him knew that he was, you know, murdering them. Now, there are finally charges brought against him and maybe the media will think a little more discreetly the next time they want to put him on camera.

20090328-tows-elizabeth-edwards-17-290x218Most Evil: Elizabeth Edwards
Yes, we know, lady — your smiling, handsome Senator husband cheated on you while you had cancer and it’s sad and unseemly and a total punch-in-the-gut. But instead of keeping it to yourself and moving on with your life for the sake of your family, you had to go on Oprah to let the lady lemmings give you a round of applause. You really want to have a new life and begin the healing process? Here’s a hint: STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT IT.