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Evil Empirical


10.23.09 Foster Kamer

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Each week, ANIMAL will rank the world’s most despicable, deplorable, and undesirable human beings walking the earth, making the news. Behold: Evil Empirical. This week, your Media Deathlord Edition.

rupert_murdochRupert Murdoch
A familiar face on this list, this crusty-diapered dipshit told us he was going to take away our favorite free teevee-on-computer service HULU and eventually try to turn a buck on it. Lemme get this straight: you’re making something we used to get for free something we should pay for even though we should’ve been paying for it in the first place. COME THE FUCK ON, MAN. After all, you don’t spend millions of dollars developing and producing and working on very very very expensive, time-consuming programs millions of people are going to watch just to actually charge for them, do you? Jesus! Free content is the future, Rupe. Now let us watch our goddamn Family Guy in peace, for free, because in this new era we pay for nothing and we’re better off for it.

freakanomicsThe Freaknomics Guys
So an economist and a journalist walk into a bar. Both of their names are Steven, but one of them spells it with a “ph.” They wrote a book together. In that book, they argue that you should vacuum your children before they’re born to stop crime, drive drunk to drive better, don’t sell crack because you won’t make enough money, write books for money, and now, don’t worry so much about global warming because basically everyone’s wrong about it. In other words, read this book, and chill the fuck out. Books are bad and these guys’ names are Stev/phen which is totally insidious and makes them sound like the evil Gay math twins we’re all pretty sure they are. Rational thought tied to mathematics is evil.

56967872Graydon Carter
Yet another asshole you’ll never know about unless you live in New York. This guy parades around this city like he owns this town and charges $50 for mac and cheese at his restaurant you can’t get into. Seriously. Have you ever read Vanity Fair? That’s his life. Literally. Anyway, this guy’s been overpaying himself and a bunch of shitty writers for far far far too long, and when they all start to get fired, he gets on a private jet to an island. Which is completely evil, right? Because when I’m firing a bunch of people who didn’t deserve to be comepletely overpaid for the last five years, the first place I want to be is in their faces admitting that I fucked up.

Mike_alboMike Albo
There’s absolutely no way you know who this person is or will give a shit if you don’t live in New York. He writes a column about shops, for the New York Times, the Most Important News Organization In The History Of News, Ever. He’s also some kind of comedian and does comedy that only people who live in Brooklyn or who secretly Want To Live In Brooklyn give a shit about. Well, this guy and some chick from VICE and some guy I know who got arrested all got tickets to go on this trip to Jamaica, and presumably, all these Fugly media people boned each other, which is fine, except the trip wasn’t to procreate media people (a trip scenario in which its organizer would win this list with no competition). It was to promote JetBlue and a DouchEmail website. They took free shit, and they’re tainting journalism with their free shit, and they’re promoting DouchEmail, so we should start NAMING NAMES. Ruining Journalism and Promoting DouchEmail’s evil, so we should get pissed about it.

AJ_THGMost Evil: AJ Daulerio
Too insidery? Maybe. But ANIMAL’s Editorial Director also has a dayjob running some wannabe jock douchesite run by a bunch of scrawny nerds with wannabe jock complexes and a gigantic Tongan dude named “Tommy.” Besides the scary Tongan dude, let’s clear up one thing: sports blogs are run by guys who sucked at sports, which is to say nothing about the skills needed to handle their own balls. As evidenced: this guy took a bunch of “unsubstantiated” “rumors” about ESPN personalities and posted them on the internet. These are people with private lives! And this is just a writer venting a grudge about being chafed on the publicity reach-around when he didn’t get the flack response he wanted, which was the truth! Dude, if you get that pissed about flacks lying to you, what’s gonna happen when he realizes that the Holocaust was bullshit and that every girlfriend he’s ever had is always wishing he had a bigger (paycheck/cock/mustache/whatever). Reality’s a fuckin’ bummer. You can’t just lash out at the world! Enjoy your reacharound, and reacharound back. The system’s not built for you be worked for, but to be worked by. The sports media’s not supposed to be honest, obvi: scandal’s bad for morale! Besides which, ESPN just wants to bring the inherent beauty of sports to the people; why you gotta rat on the long-dick fuckin’ that comes inbetween? Asshole. Alloicious Jameson Daulerio’s getting in the way of people having long-dick fuckin’. If that’s not evil, nothing is.