Evil Empirical

04.23.09 Bucky Turco


Each week, ANIMAL will rank the world’s most despicable, deplorable, and undesirable human beings walking the earth, making the news. Behold: Evil Empirical.

evil-philip-markoffPhilip Markoff
The aptly named “Craig’s List Killer” was charged with murdering a 26-year-old massage therapist in a Boston hotel room, after he arranged for a meet-up with her on the popular free-listings website. From now on the lonely people and web savvy prostituts trolling the site for anonymous meet-ups will have to think twice: is a dirty hand-job for a mysterious stranger worth possibly getting your throat slashed?

evil-perez-hiltonPerez Hilton
The web’s most notorious hater derailed the pageant dreams of Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean from California when he tossed the gay marriage question at her and revealed that, lo, Miss California is a god-fearin’ woman who thinks copulation is for men and women only. Seriously Perez — it’s bad enough that this woman is destined to a life of hula-hoop twirling and compulsive teeth-whitening but now she’s going to be branded a homo-hating skank as well.

evil-asher-rothAsher Roth
Cultural elitists are starved for a more interesting hip-hop anti-hero but Lil’ Wayne has become too smart and real for everyone to properly digest. Enter Asher Roth, the Bucks County born self-proclaimed frat boy rapper who’s here to celebrate the dimness of spoiled America’s Youth with his new album. Admit it — haven’t you always wanted Tucker Max to pick up a mic and start rhymin’. No? Really?

evil-susan-boyleSusan Boyle
Yes, the whole world was moved to tears when the homely English woman graced the stage at “England’s Got Talent” or whatever its called and opened her never-been-kissed-mouth to reveal an ethereal voice. But now? Boyle’s got herself a new pair of eyebrows. What’s that saying about throwing a deck chair off the Titanic?

evil-stephen-gylenhaalMost Evil: Stephen Gylenhaal
Of all the ridiculous, misguided crap that appears on the precious Huffington Post, the latest column by Gyllenhaal calling to “Free Bernie Madoff” is epic in its scale of misguidedness. For him to think that Madoff would somehow “help” by serving as some sort of consultant to America’s Financial Distress is offensive on so many levels. Madoff ruined thousands of lives with his diabolical Ponzi Scheme. He’s not some computer hacker with an oversized brain who could help financial institutions be more secure. He’s not a “scapegoat” as Gyllenhaal lazily calls him — he’s a profit-hungry demon who should rot in prison until death.