I have recently been accused of not talking about what’s going on in Asia, recently. So, here it goes. Everyone knows that Asians are good at many things (crashing cars, happy endings, smelling); one of those being eating really fucked up shit. Yes, I am generalizing most of Eastern/Western/Southern/Northern Asia, and yes, I am being an ignorant American, but CODFISH SPERM? Come on, Z-heads! Here are a few culinary delights you may have to endure for the best blow job of your life:
Balut: Aborted duck fetus. Seriously. The perfect balut is 17-21 days into its miserable life (as a right-wing Christian, I believe that the duck receives a soul at the time of conception), and is then boiled and siphoned out of the shell, while still warm. Balut is normally eaten with nothing more than a minimal amount of lime juice and ground pepper.
Dinuguan: A healthy stew comprised of all the parts of an animal no one wants to eat anyway, and blood. If you’re in midtown, and want to earn your red wings, go here.
Fruit bat soup: Pretty much exactly as it sounds. You bludgeon a bat to death, skin it, add onions, and voila!
Tuna Eyeball: Eat ’em up, yum!
Cat meat: Of course I could make a joke about eating pussy, but I will spare you. Besides saying, you know, I like that. According to the Chinese, not only will cat meat keep you nice and toasty in the winter months, but is also excellent boner juice.Â Generally the stomach and intestines are consumed, and the thighs are turned into meatballs. Yesterday the Chinese government launched its first draft proposal to jail people who eat cat or dog meat, for up to 15 days. In my opinion, 15 days in jail is totally worth a fine deep-dickin’. Does anybody else feel this way? If so, email me and let’s make this happen!
Cod fish sperm: Steamed, pan-fried, or deep-fried; it’s your choice! Apparently they will “melt in your mouth like soft butter”. I wrap my lips around a lot of disgusting things, on the regular, and I don’t know if I would be able to palate this. I may let it ruin my face or something, if it took me to the Angelika first, but even that would be questionable.
Sheep dick: Generally grilled and served on a stick. Which is how I normally eat my penis anywayâ€”must be genetic.
God, the next thing we know, these people will be able to hold office.
Photo of sheep heads in outdoor market in Tonghua, China: Rivard