Nation of Self-Hating Psychos: An Election Wrap-Up

11.03.10 Lauri Apple

Yesterday’s election results, OMG. Mostly terrible, with the Republicans winning lots of Congressional seats and governor’s races and people (?) like Sarah Palin saying smarmy crap on their Twitters all night long, bragging about refudiation. GOP in the muthafuckin’ House, for real.

We’re gonna be seeing and hearing a lot more from orange Rep. John Boehner of Ohio now, because he has become the Speaker of the House/the new Nancy Pelosi. Except that Pelosi never cried all the time, like Boehner does.

Boehner and his new team of boners, the House Majority, want to extend the Bush tax cuts, and cut spending, and control the next round of redistricting. “Five states bordering the Great Lakes—Indiana, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin—are the central battleground in the fight to control redistricting,” Nick Baumann pointed out in Mother Jones before the election. “Sure, the Republicans might take back the House of Representatives on election night. But winning gubernatorial and state legislative races in these five states could allow the GOP to dominate the House for much longer than the next few years.”

HEY GUESS WHAT Republicans WON four out of five of those gubernatorial elections listed by Baumann. And as I write this, Illinois hasn’t been called, so they might have won another. GOP 4 ever.

Anyway! Elections. Too many last night to talk about them all. So this is not a comprehensive/panopticon-y type list—it’s more like a “brisk walk” through yesterday:

Gubernatorial Races

  • In New York, everyone lost this race except for Andrew Cuomo, who will soon collide with unions. Carl Paladino brought his trusty baseball bat along with him to the podium for his concession speech, to keep the mood Buffalo wing-spicy:
  • In California, Jerry Brown beat Meg Whitman and her $150 million in a “bruising” race. Whitman should have just bought her own island for that kind of money. This is Brown’s second go-round as governor. He is like the Marion Barry of California, minus the crack problem and some of the other problems.
  • In Texas, Republican Rick Perry will rule over that Most Glorious Sovereign Nation and its armadillos and barbecue brisket pits and prisons-prisons-prisons for four more years. Or will he? He’s looking at a presidential run in 2012, maybe, because he’s tired of people in Washington and their “chutzpah to haul every baseball player and other ‘evildoer’ in the world before a Congressional committee.” Speak it, brother. Also, Social Security is a “Ponzi scheme”and he wants to be the guy who gets rid of that, for the American People.
  • Sarah Palin’s “Mama Grizzly” understudy and BFF Nikki Haley won in South Carolina, as did her fellow M.G.’s Susana Martinez in New Mexico and Mary Fallin in Oklahoma. They should all pile in a minivan together and go to the mall, have some Panda Express and Orange Julius, and get new victory piercings at Claire’s Boutique.
  • Nobody knows what’s going on in Illinois yet.

Senate Races

  • New York Senator Chuck Schumer won.
  • So did Little Girl.
  • Our Lady of the Ladybugs Christine O’Donnell lost, because of that guy who wrote the gossipy thing about her on Gawker. At least she won “most covered candidate,” which might help her down the line with endorsement deals for body sprays or Testamints or whatnot. The Coons guy won.
  • Nevada’s Sharron Angle also lost her Senate race, because of floridated water and the devils who haunt people’s black t-shirts. Now Chuck Schumer and Dick Durbin (D-IL) are like, “oh, that’s so nice for Harry Reid … we should get him a congratulations card.” But their good tidings are insincere, because one of them would have taken Reid’s place as Senate Majority Leader had he lost, and losing an opportunity like that always hurts.
  • Speaking of hurting, National Review Online empress Kathy Jean Lopez says Reid’s victory “hurts.” Harry Reid causes so much pain for everyone! How can he live with himself.
  • Alvin Greene, who was the Christine O’Donnell of the summer until she stole his thunder, lost to Jim DeMint. At his party, Greene “ran around in circles” and also showed reporters “a comic book he printed of himself, in which he called himself a ‘warrior.'” Alvin Greene knows how to man up.
  • Rand Paul rode the Tea Party tidal wave to victory. His rally “had the air of a rock concert, with young men shouting “Capitalism!,” reports the NY Times. Eventually, his dad Ron came out and threw silver eagles (the guitar picks and drum sticks of Libertarians) to the audience. Rand Paul also knows how to man up—and rock out with his Doc out! Actually, I don’t know if Doctor-Dad Ron Paul was there, I didn’t read that far into the article.
  • Marco Rubio will rein in government as Florida’s new Tea Party senator. Can he do the same with hurricanes?
  • In Pennsylvania, Republican Pat Toomey became the new Arlen Specter 1.0, beating the Democratic Joe “Sleestak” Sestak—who was kinda sleazy, but in a boring way that shouldn’t have disqualified him, necessarily.
  • In Illinois, Republican Mark Kirk, who lies about everything, beat a Soprano-American (who’s actually Greek) to become senator. Maybe the secret was in Kirk’s Svengali? Kirk and the Greek-Sopranican, Alexi Giannoulias, might get a beer sometime.
  • “Write-in”—aka “Lisa Murkowski“—and Joe Miller are still counting votes. Miller blames his lack of a stunning victory on “bad press,” because he refuses to accept how much he sucks.
  • Barbara Boxer and her yesterday hair done beat Carly Fiorina and her hair (which now seems more “yesterday” than Boxer’s hair does).
  • Connecticut’s Linda McMahon won’t be bringing wrestling to the Senate floor, which is sad because something should happen there every now and again.

House Races

  • Old Bulls“: what are they? Losers! C-ya Chet Edwards of Texas, Ike Skelton of Missouri, Paul Kanjorski of Pennsylvania (13 terms), and you other loser guys.
  • HOT Illinois Congressman Aaron Schock won.
  • Ben Quayle, son of Potatoe Quayle, is now an Arizona Congressman, despite having contributed to a website that, Google searches show, is unanimously regarded as “racy” by journalists.
  • Nancy Pelosi will still be a congresswoman, she just won’t be the Queen of the Scene anymore.
  • Michele Bachmann won reelection against Tarryl Clark, which is really so pitiful. Bachmann wore a sleeveless top for her television interviews. Isn’t it COLD in Minnesota?
  • Down in Florida, Republican Tea Party-hardy man Allen West beat the incumbent, Democrat Phil Klein. West is a hardcore psycho freakshow, having resigned from the army after torturing an Iraqi prisoner. He’s also warred against Jesus bumper stickers, and threatened to take Klein “behind the woodshed,” and so many other things. He dares to be different, and it shows.


  • In California, voters rejected marijuana legalization for recreational users, because the prisons there aren’t overcrowded enough.
  • Oklahoma voters banned Sharia law. Now they don’t have to wear burqas over their overalls (“Okiewear”) anymore.
  • Iowa fired its gay marriage judges.
  • Illinois voters supported an amendment to recall the governor whenever, in case they don’t get it right the first time or are just mad or feeling impetuous or all of the above.
  • Film critic-pundit and Illinoisan Roger Ebert thinks the election could have turned out worse. He’s seen a lot of explosions, murders and alien invasions on the big screen over the years, and dealt with cancer, so he’s probably right.
  • The Tea Partiers are feeling awesome about how things went and are making hideous plans for our futures.
  • Tom Friedman wrote about India, where he just visited. He went to some kids’ garage and saw their magical software start-up project. Friedman can see into the future. It’s not orange, it’s just overseas.