PMS = Another Reason to Act Entitled While Yelling

08.23.10 Kari Ferrell

I always thought that PMS was just another excuse for 57% of the population to refrain from giving up the goods, and acting like kamikaze pilots disguised as your average American bitch. Much to my chagrin, premenstrual syndrome is recognized as a real medical issue by doctors looking to make a quick buck.

After doing a bit of research (see: taking the time to google PMS, in between snapping at everyone and changing my tampon), premenstrual syndrome occurs anywhere from two to fourteen days before you’re actually leaking. Two to fourteen days! Essentially what that means is that a woman can use PMS as a legitimate excuse to be a cunt, at any time.

The thing about PMS is that, even if recognized as a genuine condition, how many of you out there take it seriously? After your girlfriend persistently moves your hand/foot/penis/face away from her nether regions, and is locked in the bathroom reading her fave Candace Bushnell novel, and methodically shoving M&M’s into her face hole, you have time to reflect on what just happened. She swore that she’s just isn’t into your dick right now, and while explaining/screaming why, has four different personality changes, and blames it on PMS. Yeah, sure.

Here is a convenient little checklist designed to help women determine if they have what it takes to allow them to be manic-sociopaths for the rest of their lives. According to this chart, everyone has PMS or PMDD. You, me, your dad, the milkman, and Keanu Reeves.

Over 200 symptoms have been attached to PMS, with the most common of those being irritability, tension, and unhappiness. Doctors suggest a change of diet, fucking with your hormones, and increasing aerobic activity as common “cures,” but many will prescribe SSRI’s to combat your two-faced freak-outs.

Though some level-headed, sane scientists claim that PMS is fake, and is in existence due to societal factors, I call bullshit. Anything that allows me to do what I want, when I want, and eat mass quantities of chocolate, is 100% real.

There’s no denying that not everyone who says they’re PMS-ing actually are; and besides, would you really want to go through the trouble of proving them wrong? I say, back them up, and when the time comes, sidle to their side and steal their drugs. (Image: encyclopediadramatica)