New Drug Testing Rules Could DQ Champion Musher

Although the idea of an 1,100-mile race through Alaska whereby packs of dogs pull men on sleds through some of the most freezing cold weather imaginable is retarded in its own right, so are the new drug testing rules that totally screw people like Lancey Mackey. He’s a three-time Iditarod champ, throat cancer survivor, and medical weed patient who could now face disqualification if he smokes his medicine on the trail Read more »

What Deep, Dark Sarah Palin Secrets is Levi Johnston Hiding?

As I’ve previously stated, I’m sort of over Levi Johnston. I often wish he’d just go back to Wasilla and drown himself in meth-ed out pussy and moose chili. But every now and again Levi will bait a hook that I can’t help but bite, like this morning when he appeared on CBS’ The Early Show and insinuated that he has dirt on Sarah Palin that could absolutely destroy her. Yes Levi, go on! Read more »

Huge Blob Stalking Alaska

As hillbilly governor Sarah Palin tweets about mama bears protecting their cubs and readies her hasty retreat, a huge unidentifiable blob “up to 12 miles long” has been spotted in Alaskan waters. The Coast Guard was sent to investigate, but so far they’ve only determined what it isn’t. “It’s definitely not an oil product of any kind. It has no characteristics of an oil, or a hazardous substance, for that matter,” said Petty Officer 1st Class Terry Hasenauer, adding he’s pretty sure it’s a biological entity of some sort. |ADN|

Rats, Politicians and Terrorists All Sound Alike In Alaska

From an official state report (PDF doc) sanctioned by the witch hunter blessed Governor of Alaska:

“Rats are highly effective as invaders: They are secretive, intelligent, and reproduce at very high rates. They are also ravenous predators that eat the young, eggs, and sometimes adults of birds and other small animals. Well known as carriers of serious diseases in humans, rats are also responsible for diseases that can adversely affect wildlife and, potentially consumers of those wilflife species.”

Go ahead and change out the word “rats” and marvel at how relevant it is to define other people and topics too.