ANIMAL » BUYGONE AD OF THE WEEK

Buygone Ad Of The Week: Drano

Copyranter — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:59:20 +0000

Once a week (or so), Copyranter brings you retro advertising good/badness. “Our relationship was headed down the drain…because the bathwater wasn’t. You see, Herbert liked to trim his hair and pubes in the shower, not to mention masturbate (His huge morning poop-poops also stopped up the hopper, but the force-cup plunger Joe the plumber gave me after I gave him a handjob always worked.). After he dressed, Herbert would shuffle into the kitchen for his buttered toast. He’d sit down and look at it and say either “too light” or “too dark.” He’d sip his coffee and mumble “too weak” or “too strong.” Meanwhile, the bathwater was s-l-o-w-l-y emptying.

But this morning, all that’s changed! The Drano I sprinkled down the drain last night worked! And Herbert slipped on his semen and fell and cracked his skull open and died.

|Image: LiveJournal vintage ads|

Buygone Ad Of The Week: Cutty Sark

Copyranter — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 15:28:33 +0000

Once a week (or so), Copyranter brings you retro advertising good/badness. The year: 1971. The drink: Cutty Sark whisky. The understood, but not printed, word at the end of that badass mothafuckin’ headline: “bitch.” The dilemma: how to market uppity Scottish hooch to young black men angry after fighting and dying in a useless white man’s war against Communism. The solution: tell the angry black man that he is now in command—of his life, and of his woman. Your good-time party schooner has arrived, “right on time,” and you are the captain. Sure, give your first mate a taste, but why don’t you just keep hold of the glass, my man? |Image: Flickr/vintage advertising|

Buygone Ad Of The Week: The Wall Street Journal

Copyranter — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:30:21 +0000

Once a week (or so), Copyranter brings you retro advertising good/badness. Oh, like you’re just too damn sophisticated for a little semantical dick joke (See what I did there? “Semantical” almost starts with “semen.”). Seventy-eight year-old WSJ owner Rupert Murdoch would certainly appreciate this subscription ad from long ago—He’d probably pay $15,000 for each and every non-pill-created boner he could muster for the rest of his life.

Plus, I bet he’d love to start running some of the Page 3 girls from The Sun (which he also owns) in the stuffy Journal to help out those big dick playas—who’re predominantly male with a median age of 55—with their waning bonerage. Anyway. Guy in this testimonial ad? He’s a fake. And, boner=funny word forever.

|Image: Live Journal/vintage ads|

Buygone Ad Of The Week: Valium

Copyranter — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 20:52:31 +0000

Thank fucking tranquilizers it’s Friday. I’ve been trying to write one—ONE—simple, little, goddamn 30-second radio spot for three days. I have that horrible irregular writer feeling of not being able to create feces with ex-lax right now. I do not have a prescription to ValiumÂ® or any other Diazepam. Like many New Yorkers, I do have one for KlonopinÂ®, which is a Clonazepam. Both drugs are brilliant marketing creations of Hoffman-LaRoche—creations that have netted the Nutley, NJ pharmaceutical giant billions of bucks. This disturbing, anxiety-inducing Valium ad from the 60s would of course never fly today. But since I’m a fool who scans about 100 ad/pop/culture sites every day, I am seeing it today. And I am about to break a Klonopin tablet in half, and walk to my office’s water cooler. I won’t be pulling a Roy Steinmetz today. You win, Hoffman-LaRoche. Have a calm weekend, folks.
|Image via: vintage ads|

Buygone Ad of the Week: ‘Til Death

Copyranter — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 19:58:53 +0000

It’s time for another Buygone Ad Breakdown! We go back to 1932, when dandies somehow blew smokes rings at their dames without opening their mouths, and cigarettes were good for you. “It’s Toasted”—so too, eventually, were their lungs. But let’s forget death for a sec, because this is an engaging portrait of everlasting love. And, since it was the time of the Great Depression, I guess men—even well-to-do swells—couldn’t afford diamond engagement rings. So, they instead somehow mastered blowing priceless 100-karat smoke replicas when asking their lucky sweeties to marry them. “Quick Marion, stick your head through it before it dissipates!”
Image: Modern Mechanix

Buygone Ad of the Week: Club Soda IS Sex

ANIMAL — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 19:38:52 +0000

Also? It tingles when you stick your dick in it…Back in the Swingtown 70s, everybody was hornier and hairier and having sex with everyone and anything. As the copy on this Canada Dry ad reads: “The only thing better than a club soda that’s full of life at the end of a party is a girl who’s full of life at the end of a party.” But what were you to do if all the chicks had splitzo, man? Hop into the shower, pour some ice cold bubbling club soda on your swizzle stick, think about Farrah Fawcett (or Lee Majors) and rub one out. Canada Dry Club Soda—turns any picnic into a dicknic!
Ad: via Vintage Advertising
-Copyranter