Not if your spawn hates you so very much, she won’t even refer to you as “mother” in interviews. Lil Crawford just can’t believe that notoriously controlling “Joan” didn’t destroy the nudie tapes or the videos of herself carousing with a married lover on canoe trips and such… Maybe Joan had predicted all this celeboporn craziness and wanted in on the action?

If it’s true that Justin Bieber fans sent Kim Kardashian, 29, death threats just for becoming friends at the White House Correspondents’ dinner, wait till they see this blasphemous photo of the assy socialite indulging one of her fantasies with the 16-year-old. People also has a shot of them holding hands for a photo shoot in the Bahamas, ensuring a tween jihad on the celebrity cougar. |Photo: Kim Kardashian|

In the spring of 2008, LiLo made the unfortunate decision to post her private information — including her cellphone number — on Facebook which was soon snatched up and passed around by approximately half the internet population. Lindsay also left her private voicemail messages easily accessible because the password she chose was, amazingly, “1-2-3-4″. A post-Hollywood career at NORAD is unlikely.

Below are some of the voicemail messages that give us, the non-celebrity public, a candid glimpse at the pseudo-friends, estranged family, rehab buddies, and prospective lesbian stalkers vying for her attention at that time.

Make sure to wait until the end, as her desperate deadbeat father warbles a heartfelt message and then holds his cellphone up to the car stereo speakers to let her know he’s listening to her new CD as he drives. It’s beautiful honey…