At 5pm today I tuned in to Glenn Beck’s program on Fox News eager to see how the right wing’s modern version of P.T. Barnum would spin last night’s epic failure by the human dildo robot he personally programmed and installed to win the race for New York’s 23rd House district. But when the show started, I, as well as millions of Beck death-cultists who tune in to his show each day, got a bit of a surprise: instead of Glenn Beck’s big, stupid fuckface greeting us, we were greeted by the big, stupid fuckface of Judge Andrew Napolitano, who explained that Beck had been overcome with appendicitis earlier in the day and was in the hospital following emergency surgery.

Sadly though, Glenn Beck has yet again avoided a horrible death, which probably means he’ll be posting dumb YouTube videos like he did when he underwent ass surgery in 2008. Surely he’ll have nothing but great things to say, though there will be many tears shed, about American health care, just as he did the last time he was hospitalized, when he returns to the air, and he’ll have forgotten all about how the dipshit candidate he anointed allowed a Democrat to capture a House seat that hadn’t been represented by a Democrat since the 19th century.

Have you ever read a story about some sweet, talented young person losing their life to a coyote mauling or something equally horrific and wondered to yourself, “Why couldn’t that have been ‘fat, dumb Mormon fuckface’ Glenn Beck instead?” Yeah, well, ME TOO! And, as is their proclivity, The Onion has their finger firmly on America’s pulse and produced this hilarious “news” piece that taps into that “Glenn Beck so deserves to die a grizzly death” vein that so many of us secretly feel.

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

Side note: There’s a great article about The Onion‘s editorial process in today’s New York Times.