Fred Edwords, The Atheist: Yes, Fred’s last name is actually spelled “Edwords,” as in, “he’ll EDucate you using little Damien’s patented Ways With WORDS system regarding the proof that God doesn’t exist.” And of course this guy schleps for Satan. (1) He doesn’t want you to know God exists, and (2) they just papered a very God-inhabited city – Boston, who take their God cooked medium-Catholic (best exhibited in their annoying sports teams, whose wins are even more sanctimonious than the goddamn Saints’) – with ads campaigning for their cause on the subways. Yes: while people are trapped underground (close to, where else, Hell), sell them on your Godlessness. Shithead.

Chaplain Thomas Dwyer, The “Buddhist”: Hm. The first “Buddhist” chaplain in the U.S. Army’s history, Thomas Dwyer, is being sent to Iraq. First of all, does this guy look like a Buddhist to you? Right. And my mother’s Black. But, whatever, let’s say his latest reincarnation on his way to nirvana left him lookin’ a little nilla. Isn’t the first of Buddhism’s five moral precepts “Ahimsa,” or the philosophy of avoiding any violence at all times? It is. So why would this guy even remotely dignify the WAR in Iraq by going there? Conventional wisdom might suggest that he’s there to help the problem. Helping the problem would be not making it any easier for people to kill other people. This guy’s sluffing on Infantry duty as an agent of Shiva’s. Dick.

J. Kevin Boland, The Catholic
The Catholics love Satan, and they love to invoke him, too. I mean, Jesus, Joe, and Mary: the mob? Irish and Italians. Who are what? Yeah. Catholic. But the mob is dead, right? And hey, even if they’re not, they’re definitely not in Savannah, Georgia, right? Wrong, and wrong. This Col. Sanders-lookin’ asshole is J. Kevin Boland. Don’t let his Mr. Magoo-exterior fool you. He’s the head of The Catholic Diocese of Savannah, who just shelled out $4.2M to shut up a victim of Wayland Y. Brown, a former Savannah priest who sexually abused a boy for five years, from the time this kid was 10 until he was 14. So why isn’t Brown on the list instead of Boland? Because Boland exploited the victim’s “original sin” of Greed and paid him off, instead of letting the Lord work in his “mysterious ways” and letting the Diocese get fuckin’ rolled. The Morning Star thinks this guy’s a superstar. Asshole.

Rabia Sarwar, The Muslim
To paraphrase The Lord’s benevolent servant, Samuel L. Jackson: TELL THAT BITCH TO BE COOL! Rabia Sarwar made the front of the New York Post today, replete with the genius, They-Don’t-Teach-That-In-J-School lede of “Die, infidel!” What’d Sarwar do to get so cuddly with Satan? Well, for one thing, she lives on Staten Island, which is a figurative stone’s throw away from the Fifth Layer of the Inferno, New Jersey (literally, it’s more like God’s Spitting Distance). For another, she slashed the neck of her husband  at 3AM while screaming “It’s time for you to die!” Her mans was trying to get her to drink, eat pork, and wear revealing clothes, which basically sounds like Wednesday, except when you’re a psychotic wifey who thinks she’s Doing teh Allah’s Work, it’s grounds for a stabbin’. Thanks for reinforcing the nightmare of every man, ever, anywhere, regardless of skin color or religion: that you’ll cut us up for suggesting you not wear those mom jeans. Bitch.

Most Evil: Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, The Jew
Okay, so, Jews don’t believe in hell or The Devil. Whatever. This guy’s definitely spent some time licking Lucifer’s loins (or, for the Yiddish-inclined among you: scrubbing the schmaltz from Satan’s schmuck…with a schmatah). First off: it’s bad enough he’s an Orthodox Rabbi for the multinational corporation synagogue Chabad-Lubavitch. While not overt about it anymore, Hasidic Chabad members see themselves as far above all other Jews. As a Jew who doesn’t really give a shit about being Jewish (other than the Media-Industrial Complex membership it hooks me up with), I could care less. But Chabad’s rabbis have a reputation for being misogynists, sketchy, and out-and-out assholes. Whatever, that’s every religion. But ask yourself this: which religion would accept Jon Gosselin – not even one of their own – on their altar, and help him work out his issues for a nosh of  Gosselin’s child-exploiting fame? Rabbi Shmuley Boteach’s! How bad is this? By the numbers, Jon’s got eight kids to fuck up. Take a guess how many Shmuley has. No, really. Guess.

Rabbi Shmuley is married to his Australian wife, Debbie, and they have nine children.

The reason the Jews don’t have to fear the Devil or Hell? Because, like everything else, they’ve got a fuckin’ monopoly on it, that’s why. Fuckface.

Rupert Murdoch
A familiar face on this list, this crusty-diapered dipshit told us he was going to take away our favorite free teevee-on-computer service HULU and eventually try to turn a buck on it. Lemme get this straight: you’re making something we used to get for free something we should pay for even though we should’ve been paying for it in the first place. COME THE FUCK ON, MAN. After all, you don’t spend millions of dollars developing and producing and working on very very very expensive, time-consuming programs millions of people are going to watch just to actually charge for them, do you? Jesus! Free content is the future, Rupe. Now let us watch our goddamn Family Guy in peace, for free, because in this new era we pay for nothing and we’re better off for it.

The Freaknomics Guys
So an economist and a journalist walk into a bar. Both of their names are Steven, but one of them spells it with a “ph.” They wrote a book together. In that book, they argue that you should vacuum your children before they’re born to stop crime, drive drunk to drive better, don’t sell crack because you won’t make enough money, write books for money, and now, don’t worry so much about global warming because basically everyone’s wrong about it. In other words, read this book, and chill the fuck out. Books are bad and these guys’ names are Stev/phen which is totally insidious and makes them sound like the evil Gay math twins we’re all pretty sure they are. Rational thought tied to mathematics is evil.

Graydon Carter
Yet another asshole you’ll never know about unless you live in New York. This guy parades around this city like he owns this town and charges $50 for mac and cheese at his restaurant you can’t get into. Seriously. Have you ever read Vanity Fair? That’s his life. Literally. Anyway, this guy’s been overpaying himself and a bunch of shitty writers for far far far too long, and when they all start to get fired, he gets on a private jet to an island. Which is completely evil, right? Because when I’m firing a bunch of people who didn’t deserve to be comepletely overpaid for the last five years, the first place I want to be is in their faces admitting that I fucked up.

Mike Albo
There’s absolutely no way you know who this person is or will give a shit if you don’t live in New York. He writes a column about shops, for the New York Times, the Most Important News Organization In The History Of News, Ever. He’s also some kind of comedian and does comedy that only people who live in Brooklyn or who secretly Want To Live In Brooklyn give a shit about. Well, this guy and some chick from VICE and some guy I know who got arrested all got tickets to go on this trip to Jamaica, and presumably, all these Fugly media people boned each other, which is fine, except the trip wasn’t to procreate media people (a trip scenario in which its organizer would win this list with no competition). It was to promote JetBlue and a DouchEmail website. They took free shit, and they’re tainting journalism with their free shit, and they’re promoting DouchEmail, so we should start NAMING NAMES. Ruining Journalism and Promoting DouchEmail’s evil, so we should get pissed about it.

Most Evil: AJ Daulerio
Too insidery? Maybe. But ANIMAL’s Editorial Director also has a dayjob running some wannabe jock douchesite run by a bunch of scrawny nerds with wannabe jock complexes and a gigantic Tongan dude named “Tommy.” Besides the scary Tongan dude, let’s clear up one thing: sports blogs are run by guys who sucked at sports, which is to say nothing about the skills needed to handle their own balls. As evidenced: this guy took a bunch of “unsubstantiated” “rumors” about ESPN personalities and posted them on the internet. These are people with private lives! And this is just a writer venting a grudge about being chafed on the publicity reach-around when he didn’t get the flack response he wanted, which was the truth! Dude, if you get that pissed about flacks lying to you, what’s gonna happen when he realizes that the Holocaust was bullshit and that every girlfriend he’s ever had is always wishing he had a bigger (paycheck/cock/mustache/whatever). Reality’s a fuckin’ bummer. You can’t just lash out at the world! Enjoy your reacharound, and reacharound back. The system’s not built for you be worked for, but to be worked by. The sports media’s not supposed to be honest, obvi: scandal’s bad for morale! Besides which, ESPN just wants to bring the inherent beauty of sports to the people; why you gotta rat on the long-dick fuckin’ that comes inbetween? Asshole. Alloicious Jameson Daulerio’s getting in the way of people having long-dick fuckin’. If that’s not evil, nothing is.

Michael Steele
Bad for the game, The Game, game-changers, game spitters, playing games, gamers, game theory, and game hunting. Also, he’s the chairman of the RNC. Thank you for taking a piece of slang we all once loved and appropriating it into a cold, fucked up death.

Khloe Kardashian
Little needs to be explained here besides the fact that the only reason we pay her any mind is because she is the sister of someone famous for having a commendably large ass. That doesn’t mean she has the right to continue the longstanding tradition of ruining professional athletes careers by infecting them with brain disease by way of their penises. Lamar “The Candyman” Odom, look out: Khloe Kardashian is the Chunky of pro athlete hookups. She could poison his brain to the point where he’ll ruin the chances at a championship season for the Lakers, who I could give a fuck about. But LA is suffering, and California’s almost broke. Championship teams create jobs, even if you’re the already-loaded Lakers. Khloe Kardashian is bad for the state of California.

Kenneth Lewis
Ken Lewis is Bank of America’s CEO. Merrill Lynch and Bank of America are doing really well! Which means they have no problem paying money to fight the lobby trying to offset the penetrating feeling you experience when a $30 ATM fee is shoved in your wallet for a $2 purchase. Ken Lewis has no problem fucking your wallet. Bank of America’s doing just fine. Because they fuck poor people. In the wallet. Is this not clear? This motherfucker is making you broke.

Rita Mullen
You’ve probably never heard of Rita Mullen, but you’ve probably heard of her contribution to society: as the Senior VP of The Learning Channel’s programming, Mullen’s responsible for Jon and Kate Plus 8. Not that I need to remind you, but these people have fucked up eight children beyond repair. The show, naturally, the cause of all of these kids’ inevitable problems in life, is finally over. And what’s TLC doing? After all the drama, heartbreak, sadness, and plainly evident Freudian damage it’s caused? She’s suing Gosselin for breach of contract. Because fuck if those little moneymakers are leaving THIS network. Anybody who can make Jon Gosselin look like he might be doing the right thing at any given moment is a villain.

Most Evil: Father Falcon aka Richard Keene
An obvious shoo-in. This guy’s delusion and ego is a cockrocket to Mars. So, when it all adds up to most of us spending a day watching a balloon crash to earth, going from “this is hysterical, let’s make an LOLcat out of it” to thinking “this could turn out bad” to continuing to watch and realizing that we’re all the sick fucked up voyeurs we pretty much thought we were, and then finding out that this kid was hiding in a little box in his attic, it kind of adds up and makes sense and we shouldn’t be too shocked that Father Falcon made it to this point.

David Letterman
Letterman’s grouchiness has been instrumental to his shtick for the last few years as Late Night’s reigning king (just not in the ratings, though.) But his attacks on the right wingers (McCain, O’Reilly) have become a little too transparent and tiresome. His most egregious offense of late? Thrusting Sarah Palin back into the spotlight as a martyr for late night comedy ridicule. You’ve made her a sympathetic figure, Dave. Time to pick a new target.

James Von Brunn
Holocaust denier? Check. Nazi sympathizer? Check. Cantankerous old man blinded by hate? Check. Murderer? Check. James Von Brunn is a veritable Western omelet of the type of evil that can spring forth from Americas cultural melting pot. The retribution from like-minded individuals for Von Brunn’s almost-massacre at the Holocaust Museum could be swift and terrifying.

Bret Michaels
Oh Bret. Your blissful unawareness about your slimy awfulness hath struck you smack on the nose. Consider the Tony Awards set crashing on your face a warning shot from God to just stop the lame attempts at reinvigorating a career. Plus? Ditch the wig. You’re not fooling anyone that it’s 1987.

Rev. Wright
Speaking of people who may have a little James Von Brunn in them…welcome back, Rev. Wright! “I’m not talking about all Jews, all people of the Jewish faith, I’m talking about Zionists. I’m talking about facts, historical facts. I’m not talking about emotionally charged words.” “The Jews” in question are the ones preventing him from meeting with President Barack Obama so he claims.

Most Evil: Fate’s Wheel
Johana Ganthaler and her husband accidentally missed their flight on the doomed Air France 447. They hopped on the next flight available and then landed safely in Germany where, emboldened by a new sense of energy for life and celebrating their enormous luck, decided to drive back to their home in Italy. Unfortunately, they were on the wrong side of the road and Ganthaler was killed in a head-on collision with another vehicle. Those Final Destination movies are no joke.

Roland Burris
The Illinois state senator is feeling the wrath of his political colleagues and constituents now that it was revealed he feel into the seductive web of disgraced Governor Rod Blagojevich. According to FBI wiretap reports, Burris offered to “personally do something” for Blago in exchange for a his Senate seat. He got it. But what were the personal favors? Blow? Whores? Foot massages? It appears the only one who’ll ever know the truth about what transpired will be Burris, Blago, his brother, and, of course, Satan.

AT&T
Once again, American Idol is confronted with a massive voting scandal after heavily favored Adam Lambert lost to the less-homo-punkish-looking Kris Allen. Lambert’s fans claim AT&T, by distributing phones to text-message votes to certain segments of the Allen-loving population, may have swayed the vote, hence denying Lambert the opportunity to appear on Regis & Kelly every week for the rest of his life. The telecommunication industry is doing a disservice to both Lambert and American culture, who now have to suffer through another over-saturation cycle of blandness.

O.J. Simpson
Still convinced he did nothing wrong at some point—even though it appears he’s done everything wrong at some point—O.J. Simpson proved that his short stint in prison has neither rid him of the gall or tactlessness that has made him consistently one of the most despicable human beings to shuffle the earth. (Oh and that murdering your wife and a waiter thing doesn’t help matters much either, but we’ll let that slide for now.) O.J., just for once, take this time behind prison to soak in painful regret for your wretchedness.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor
Obama’s new Supreme Court Sonia Sotomayor has everything going for her from a sassy little Latino waddle to strident feminism. One problem? This chica’s dumbbbb. Summa Cum Laude from Princeton? Yale Law School? Next thing we’ll find out that girl has failed the bar six times. Oh wait…

Most Evil: Chris Brown
Oh really. You’re not a monster. Here’s a heads up to all (alleged) woman-punchers who just so happen to have a fleeting R&B-singing career: don’t make a public apology on YouTube. Especially if it’s insincere and self-serving. For Chris Brown, we wish he give birth to a dozens of illegitimate daughters in his life that he will love and nurture with all his heart, only to find out later in life that R. Kelly peed on every single one of them once they hit the age of 14.

Craig Coakley, Citi Field Streaker
So your boss and buddies put you up to running on the field with a stuffed monkey covering your crotch. You didn’t think you were going to get in that much trouble. But you did, and now all your work and effort dedicated to disrupting a baseball game will result in you …watching the Mets’ games from home for the rest of your life, it seems. Good. Coakley and his “run nigger run” buddy are the epitome of detestable Mets fans who don’t think before they act and spend waaaay too much time perfecting their greasy handjob oevure. Coakley won his bet, but the money he won probably won’t cover his legal bills and fines.

Megan Fox
Bisexuality is nothing to joke about, Megan. Especially when you’ve fully-established yourself as the wank-wank queen of the Axe body spray-wearing set. Now that she’s vacillating between genders, it’s become even more apparent that this is all one big promotional strategy for Transformers 2. That Michael Bay is a crafty motherfucker. Because he knows that teenage boys (and super-nerdy adults) love one thing more than transformative robots and that’s hot lesbian fantasies featuring girls that love transformative robots.

Jim Cramer
After Jon Stewart revealed him to be nothing more than a Wall Street infomercial huckster, everyone though the Mad Money host had softened and seen the error of his ways. But now? Martyrdom! “I think the attack on CNBC and the attacks on me were gravely misplaced. It was rather remarkable in that it was so clear that his goal was to just destroy me. One day he’ll answer for it.” Aw. His butthole is bleeding.

Craig Newmark
The weeble-shaped founder of Craig’slist caved due to public outcry stemming from the “Craig’s List killer” story and yanked the famous “Erotic Services” off his page forever. Newmark, whose company developed an inventive way of ad-placement that transformed new media, is now suffering from the same thing many of his print contemporaries did for so long: liberal guilt and the lack of gumption to think ahead. The good-guy pub Newmark will get for pushing forward with this should garner him a few headlines — in newspapers. But that’s the fate of someone who just cost thousands of prostitutes their jobs.

Most Evil: Lonn Trost
The Yankees Chief Operating Officer spelled out for Yankees fans what they already knew about the expensive new stadium with one slimy quote:”There’s an area by the Legends Suite which is not an area that fans can get into,” Trost said. “If you purchase a suite, do you want somebody in your suite? If you purchase a home, do you want somebody in your home?” The “somebody” Trost is referring to, of course, is you, middle class Yankee fan with a family of four. How long before the Yankees start throwing plastic over the seats so the rowdy kids don’t leave footprints all over their pristine furniture?

Miss California
Still stinging from her it’s-not-okay-to-be-gay statement that cost her the Miss USA crown, Carrie Prejean, Miss California, has now suggested that some diabolical Sodomites “opposed to her Christian faith” are the ones responsible for leaking her teenage booby photos to the internet. Of course, Prejean has become the poster girl for Fox News, who are embracing her as their pretty-faced right wing martyrdom. But Fox can also sympathize with her plight — she’s not alone in being seduced by wanton desires. Wonder if she owns a loofa?

Sam Tremble
The “Hipster Snitcher” is almost as deplorable a human being as poor little Kari Ferrell due to his shameless self-promotion on the part of his band, “The Hermit Thrushes.” Really? You made a citizen’s arrest? You duped her right back! Right on, Sam! You’re a fucking hero. Now go back to your pantsless drumming and finding new inventive ways for alt weeklies to write about your shitty little band.

Oprah
Has there ever been a more vulgar display of power than Oprah’s KFC online promotion? It’s scary to think that Oprah can almost blow up the internet, cause riots in the streets, and eliminate half the country’s grilled chicken supply with one singular statement on her show. This woman will one day start a war. She’s a menace that must be stopped before she Jim Jones’ the whole country.

Drew Peterson
Every one was fascinated by this fat little old man who would seemingly charm the pants off of impressionable young women with remarkable ease. Then they’d go missing and he’d shrug his shoulders and feign sympathy, even though everyone who watched him knew that he was, you know, murdering them. Now, there are finally charges brought against him and maybe the media will think a little more discreetly the next time they want to put him on camera.

Most Evil: Elizabeth Edwards
Yes, we know, lady — your smiling, handsome Senator husband cheated on you while you had cancer and it’s sad and unseemly and a total punch-in-the-gut. But instead of keeping it to yourself and moving on with your life for the sake of your family, you had to go on Oprah to let the lady lemmings give you a round of applause. You really want to have a new life and begin the healing process? Here’s a hint: STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT IT.

Yankees
Always known as the Evil Empire because of its spend-happy ways of building a baseball team, the Yankees decided to listen to their cold black hearts for once and reduce the ridiculous ticket prices at their swanky new stadium. Yes, those fans who couldn’t afford the $2,500 seats, will now only have to spend $1,250 forthem. $1,000 seats? Now $500! Wow, it’s like Crazy Fucking Eddie hit the Bronx. But thank God George Steinbrenner, Inc. is looking out for the wealthy who have been hit so hard by Obama’s vigorous tax plans.

Sarah Palin
Of course there’s no way this woman was going away even after her failed Vice Presidential campaign. And, of course, she wouldn’t reemerge in the public eye for something pertaining to her actual job as a government official. Nope, Palin’s been dealing with her daughter’s wacky unengagement to a doofus and popping up in front of turkey slaughterhouses. And most recently, an appearance on American Chopper. Why even pretend her life revolves around anything political and just go straight to the daytime television circuit where she could be the next Judge Judy.

Arlen Specter
The Pennsylvania Senator did right by switching his party from long-time Republican over to Democrat, but did so for all the wrong reasons. Regardless of what his party affiliation is at this point, his underhanded tactics to maintain a Congressional seat are still decidedly Republican. Specter is not only peeing in the face of one party, but deluding the other into thinking he’s supports their idealism when, in reality, he’s only supporting himself.

Megan Mcallister
Meghan, ex-fiancee of the Craig’s List killer was doubley evil this week for 1.) supporting her fiancee even though all indications were he’s a cold-blooded killer then 2.) breaking up with him while he’s in jail. So much for support. But, Megan did come to her senses, figuring out that standing by your man during legal troubles might be noble in some ways, unless the man in question also happens to be a sociopathic killer. Better luck picking a mate next time around, Megan.

Jessica Biel
There are plenty of reasons to not make Jessica Biel an evil human being, but the stills from her latest movie, “Powder Blue,” prove that she’s mercilessly cruel. After years of sand-squats and three-hour Pilates classes, or whatever other high-end workouts she’s pushed herself through over the last year to get herself into Badonk-a-donk shape, it’s worked — and she shows it. All of it. Does she want the rest of the male, mouth-breathing population to masturbate itself to death? And there’s no question that she’s made every girlfriend angry due to her extremely overworked gluteus muscles which no other woman in America could possibly achieve. And Timberlake? I think I speak for the rest of the male population around the world in saying “Fuck. You.”

Most Evil: Louis Caldera
Oh, you big fucking moron. Not only did White House Millitary Office Director Louis Caldera scare the holy living shit out of thousands of downtown New Yorkers with the ridiculous “Air Force One” photoshoot, but he also somehow managed to spend almost $329,000 of tax payer money to do it. Louis, next time you want a pretty photo of a plane flying close to the Statue Of Liberty, do what everyone else does: Photoshop it, you dumb fuck.