I have ignored all advice to drink caustic liquid and none of the death threats have come through (pussies!), so here I am to present the final day of Jail Week to you. If my jail experience was comparable to a Blockbuster mega-hit that features a mediocre black actor who doesn’t have to swear in his raps to sell them, it would definitely be I Am Legend. Looks good on paper, but underneath the glamorous facade of free toilet paper and bi-racial gangbangs, is really boring. Read more »
Jail Week is quickly coming to an end, and though next week I will have to find something else remotely interesting to write about, today we are still going strong. So far we’ve discussed the food, defecating in public, and the people; which naturally brings us to the drugs. As I’ve mentioned before, the majority of people in jail are there for drug-related charges; whether that be possession, or attempted murder/sodomy due to a drug deal gone wrong. Read more »
To continue with Jail Week and yesterday’s rousing article about the other inmates, here is the follow-up; including a lot of hot action, going all MacGuyver on girls’ asses with a shiv constructed out of Swiss Roll wrappers and a toothbrush, and magic moles appearing due to the lack of available marijuana. (Just kidding, I don’t talk about any of that.) “Hector” was my third ADC cellmate, and the first thing he said when he walked up to my cell was “I don’t speak Chinese.” By the way, yeah, you read that right—he. It was really fascinating to watch these girls come in as girls, and then leave as “boys,” and it was a lot more common than one would imagine. Read more »
To continue with Jail Week, let’s talk about the other inmates. The caliber of people in the Salt Lake County Jail were pretty much just as you would expect them to be; maybe a little less “Oz”, and a little more “Taxicab Confessions.” The majority of them were there for drug-related crimes, and more than half of them were coming down off of some illegal substance at the beginning of their little jailhouse adventure. Read more »
When you go to jail you’re provided with many an opportunity to say to yourself, “Jesus Christ, I never thought I’d be doing this.” It makes you view the world in a different way (consistent pessimism), and is totally refreshing, rejuvenating, and any other “re” word that is included in self-help book reviews; except for not. Incarceration forces you to think about things that would otherwise occur without a hitch; simple tasks such as waking up in the morning, taking a shit, and masturbating. Read more »
With the state of the union as it is, you are eventually going to lose your job and will be forced to steal something. Whether that be a piece of fruit from the bodega, or your cute cousin’s virginity (if there is no skin-to-skin contact, and you double bag it, it doesn’t count as intercourse), you’re going to end up handcuffed–and there will be no safe word. Read more »
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