ANIMAL » JEFF KOYEN

The King of Queens – Looking Back at Pope-a-palooza 2008

ANIMAL — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 05:41:25 +0000

He came, he preached, he did nothing to convince us that the Catholic Church isn’t Christendom’s next Enron. Which actually sucks in a certain way — there’s nothing worse than a Catholic who takes the minority-oppression stance. I mean, look at how that fuckhead Bill Donohue talks. You’d think Christians were still being fed to lions.
To be fair, on this visit the Holy Father did his best to wash the Church’s hands of bloody choirboy semen by meeting with several victims of sexual abuse. It backfired, of course, by emboldening even more victims to come forward with their own tales of hot-under-the-collar priests. But otherwise, it was an uneventful visit to an unwelcoming city in a gloriously godless country. And frankly, that’s just how we like it. Godspeed, you quack emperor.
In case you missed our crack coverage of XVI2008USA, here’s the link to all things papal. And don’t forget about the print!
-Jeff Koyen

On the Street: The Pope-ylactics Edition

ANIMAL — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 23:41:17 +0000

Like the Pope, ANIMAL’s street team—aka two girls from Craigslist—went to Yankee Stadium on Sunday afternoon on a mission from God. And like his Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, the ANIMAL marketing squad was filled with tender loving kindness for our fellow man. In fact, our cup so runneth over with mercy that we distributed 5000 special edition Pope-ylactics to help prevent the spread of sexual transmitted diseases. The big H, in particular. (That shit’s everywhere.)

Unfortunately, several attendees misunderstood our intention. They thought we were trying to prevent unwanted pregnancies, which they cited as an affront to god.
“Pregnant?” we asked one kindly old woman. “How can a priest get an altar boy pregnant?”
By no means were we the only anti-Papists in attendance, as proven by the signs and shirts bearing slogans that ran from the sublime (“Fuck the Pope”) to the ridiculous (“Sexual Abuse of Little Boys and Girls is Soul Murder” — girls?!). We had a grand time mingling with our fellow godless fornicators – until we saw the discarded wig. Did it mean a suicide bomber had been thwarted and threw down his wig in frustration, opting for Rock of Love 2′s reunion show over the 21st century’s first Papacide? Or was the polyester just making his scalp itch? To play it safe, we got back in the Potmobile and…well, watched the Rock of Love 2 reunion show.
Here, a few of the best shots from the day.

-Jeff Koyen

The Day in Pope: Good Friday!

ANIMAL — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 03:19:37 +0000

The Holy Roman Ponstiff

ANIMAL — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 01:50:17 +0000

Some say it’s unfair to harp on the Catholic Church’s child-abuse scandals when the Pope’s in town. It would be a cheap shot, for instance, to call Pope Benedict XVI the kind of guy who protects pedophile priests from prosecution.
Well… In 2006, the BBC documentary program Panorama claimed that, as a Cardinal, Joseph Ratzinger issued a “secret church directive” that guided the Vatican’s systematic cover-up of boy-fucking fathers.
This is no conspiracy theory that’s been retro-fitted to indict a Cardinal who became Pope. On Aug. 7, 2002, the National Catholic Reporter connected Ratzinger to Crimen Sollicitationis, a 1962 document that outlined the Vatican’s policy for handling allegations of sexual abuse. Their Vatican correspondent reported that Crimen Sollicitationis was referenced in a “letter from Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, head of the Vatican’s doctrinal congregation, to the bishops of the world regarding new procedures for sex abuse cases.”
Clearly, these new procedures had nothing to do with honesty, or justice, not even decency.
The documentary is here (click “watch” on the right). Or, read a transcript href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/panorama/5402928.stm">here.
-Jeff Koyen

Now Forming: the 9/11 Prayer Truth Movement

ANIMAL — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 00:58:09 +0000

At 9:30 on Sunday morning, Pope Benedict XVI will visit the World Trade Center site before darting up to Yankee Stadium — on the 4 train, no doubt. After being welcomed by Cardinal Egan, His Holiness will kneel silently for a few moments, then lead the crowd in a pre-scripted prayer. According to the Vatican, PapaRatzi will beseech our heavenly father thusly:

We ask you in your goodness to give eternal light and peace to all who died here — the heroic first-responders: our fire fighters, police officers, emergency service workers, and Port Authority personnel, along with all the innocent men and women who were victims of this tragedy simply because their work or service brought them here on September 11, 2001… We are mindful as well of those who suffered death, injury, and loss on the same day at the Pentagon and in Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

Putting aside the bizarro-ness of a Pope — this Pope, any Pope — actually saying the words “Port Authority personnel” and “Shanksville”, it’s worth noting that Benedict isn’t being entirely selfless. The Telegraph’s Malcolm Moore, for one, interprets other parts of this prayer as a call for terrorists to convert. The New York Post walked away with something else entirely: href="http://www.nypost.com/seven/04112008/news/nationalnews/pope_to_pray_for_devils_106048.htm">Pope to Pray for Devils. Either way, expect buckets of tears. And maybe even some doves if we’re lucky.
And in case you were hoping to enjoy a scenic helicopter ride over downtown, Sunday morning may not be the best time. Security will be tight. Some lines on the PATH will be closed, too.
-Jeff Koyen

Just Keep Yer Hands Where We Can See ‘Em, Father

ANIMAL — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 23:29:24 +0000

As we’ve discussed before, the Holy Father’s visit is planned down to the minute, and documented almost as fully in the The Roman Missal (available here, PDF). What can we look forward to this weekend? There’s the big mass at Yankee Stadium on Sunday, of course (more about that later). And there’s His Holiness’ prayer at Ground Zero (more about that later, too).
Tomorrow afternoon, Papa Joe pays a visit to Saint Joseph Seminary in Yonkers (where he will presumably receive the Holy
Skateboard). After Cardinal Egan’s greeting, 10 youths will welcome the Holy Father and offer him…bread. From the Missal:

Holy Father, we are honored to present you with—Dark bread, rye bread, and brown bread, characteristic of the nations of Eastern Europe; White bread, characteristic of the nations of Western Europe, North America, and Oceania; Rice, characteristic of the nations of Africa and Asia; Unleavened bread, characteristic of the nations of the Middle East and parts of Asia; and Maize, characteristic of the nations of Africa and North, Central, and South America. Along with all of these, we share with you our lives, and we open wide our hearts.

White bread? Dag, that’s jacked.
-Jeff Koyen

Unholy Protest

ANIMAL — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 21:03:25 +0000

When Pope Benedict XVI visited the Orthodox Christian stronghold of Mt. Athos — a lovely mountainous land on a peninsula in northeast Greece — the resident holy men weren’t very impressed. In fact, they were downright hostile:

“[T]he Pope is in fact visibly promoting and trying to reinforce Unia along with the Papist dogmas on primacy and infallibility, and is going even further, with inter-faith common prayers and the pan-religious hegemony of the Pope of Rome that is discerned therein.

Oh, snap. (Read the monks’ full statement here. Don’t miss the part about the filioque. It’s a barn-burner!) Stateside protests are a little more civilized, as evidenced by our gallery of anti-Papists in the streets of New York outside the UN. After the jump, enjoy a select showing of Pope and church-haters.

-Jeff Koyen

How to Crash the Papal Party

ANIMAL — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 19:34:50 +0000

Couldn’t get a ticket to the Pope’s appearance at St. Patrick’s Cathedral on Saturday? Worry not, you Holy-rollin’ Motherfuckers for God. Our crack reproduction team — last called into action for the Heatherette show during the 2006 Fall Fashion Week, and look how that turned out — slaved away all night to create the Official Animal Unofficial St. Patrick’s Pope Concert Souvenir Ticket.
Click target="_blank">here for the high-res rendering, which you can then send to your office’s color printer when no one’s looking. Unfortunately, the original ticket-holder declined to send a proper full-size scan, so this will be an inexact process. It seems to be 7 3/8″ wide by 3″ tall; we’re told there’s some writing on the back about no backpacks and no bombs — the usual security boilerplate. We don’t know what kind of paper was used; we recommend printing yours on a decent white card stock.
According to the letter that accompanied the tickets, you must arrive at the security checkpoints (6th Ave. between 49th & 51st Sts.) between 6 and 8 a.m. Early arrival is encouraged. You will then pass through a metal detector and be asked to present a government-issued photo ID.
If anyone makes use of these “souvenir” tickets, we’d appreciate a report. Photos = big bonus.
-Jeff Koyen

High Hopes for Pope Tropes

ANIMAL — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 19:16:36 +0000

Right about right now, His Eminence is addressing the United Nations. Since we don’t expect he’ll announce the presence of Satan on earth, or anything equally cool, we instead offer up these Great Moments at the U.N.

1) Who can forgot Nikita Khrushchev’s lively loafer? As Stalin’s successor, comrade Khrushchev had big plans for the Soviet Union. Namely, ruling the world. On Oct. 13, 1960, the Philippines’ delegate accused the USSR of employing a double standard on colonialism. Nikita fired back, calling him “a jerk, a stooge and a lackey of imperialism” — and then threatened to beat the table with his shoe.
2) On Sept. 12, 2002, New York City’s favorite, President Bush, set some shit into motion with this humdinger:

Iraq employs capable nuclear scientists and technicians. It retains physical infrastructure needed to build a nuclear weapon. Iraq has made several attempts to buy high-strength aluminum tubes used to enrich uranium for a nuclear weapon. Should Iraq acquire fissile material, it would be able to build a nuclear weapon within a
year.

3) On Sept. 19, 2006, the ayatollah of rock ‘n’ rollah, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, told all polytheists to fuck themselves:

All Divine prophets from the Prophet Adam (peace be upon him) to the Prophet Moses (peace be upon him), to the Prophet Jesus Christ (peace be upon him), to the Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him), have all called humanity to monotheism, justice, brotherhood, love and compassion. Is it not possible to build a better world based on monotheism, justice, love and respect for the rights of human beings, and thereby transform animosities into friendship?

4) And finally, Hugo Chavez’s blockbuster indictment of the Bush administration (full text and audio here) dropped on Sept. 20, 2006. And oh, it’s a beauty:

Yesterday, the devil came here. Right here. Right here. And it smells of sulfur still today, this table that I am now standing in front of.
Yesterday, ladies and gentlemen, from this rostrum, the president of the United States, the gentleman to whom I refer as the devil, came here, talking as if he owned the world. Truly. As the owner of the world.
I think we could call a psychiatrist to analyze yesterday’s statement made by the president of the United States. As the spokesman of imperialism, he came to share his nostrums, to try to preserve the current pattern of domination, exploitation and pillage of the peoples of the world.
An Alfred Hitchcock movie could use it as a scenario. I would even propose a title: “The Devil’s Recipe.”

A very high bar has been set for Papa Benedictus 15. Best of luck, Your Holiness.
-Jeff Koyen

But Can He 50-50 Grind?

ANIMAL — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 19:31:23 +0000

People get weird when a Pope comes to town. Take the Papal Skateboard contest, for example, as
described by the Clerical Whispers blog:

Father Peter Pomposello, one of the organizers of the event, spoke about the purpose behind the contest. “This was a vehicle for the children to learn about who the pope is,” Pomposello said, according to NY1 News. “What do the symbols on his flag mean? What does that motto ‘Christ our hope’ mean?”

That’s awesome, Fr. Pomposello, sure. Just one catch: The winning skateboard doesn’t incorporate Pope Benedict XVI’s symbols, which we analyzed yesterday. Young Krystal Melendez, the board’s designer, painted His Holiness’ deck instead with Vatican City’s coat of arms.
We can’t help but wonder, did Benedict’s XVI’s inclusion of the href="http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/elezione/stemma-benedict-xvi_en.html">caput ethiopicum on his coat of arms inspire young Krystal to ignore his carefully crafted symbol, and opt instead for the generic escutcheon? If so, bravo young Yonkerite. Bravo. |The Papal Skateboard| |Runner-Up Board Designs|
-Jeff Koyen