“This is for Arizona!” growls Machete in an uncomfortably timely trailer re-release for Ethan Maniquis/Robert Rodriguez’s Grindhouse take on immigration politics. “They’ve just fucked with the wrong Mexican.” See what happens next.

So, that fake trailer before Planet Terror wasn’t fake after all. Danny Trejo is Machete, hired by a crooked businessman to assassinate a corrupt senator (Robert DeNiro) but is “set-up, double-crossed, left for dead” and captured. He escapes and returns to wreak vengeance on immigrant-deporting gringos with a lot of machetes and a posse.

The posse includes priest Cheech and Michelle Rodrigues (looking good in a classic Grindhouse eye-patch). Also, there’s Lindsey Lohan dressed as a nun, felating a gun. Which explains those photos now (marketing set-up?). Anyway, she’s got a job now so maybe the tabloids will stop telling her to kill herself. Still trying to win back Latinos, Jessica “I’m not Hispanic” Alba is Machete’s hot piece and an immigration agent with a change of heart, yelling:

We didn’t cross the border! The border crossed us!

In theaters September 3.

Shark Toof’s “Chainsaw Massacre” posters have gone up in LA, showing supposed Great White activist and street artist White Mike getting chopped up as his celebrity sidekick, Jessica Alba, looks on in horror. The pulpy piece references the duo’s plastering of Oklahoma City in June. Alba was forced to apologize for her vandalism after White Mike publicly outed her, so it’s unlikely she’ll help replace the posters Shark Toof covered up.

Photos by Unurth

Jessica Alba will not have to take the full fall for the plastering of Oklahoma City with White Mike shark posters. Local police have decided to close the case against the actress turned street art activist because the vandalized property owners accepted her apology and declined to press felony vandalism charges, which hypothethically could have resulted in jail time.

“I think her comment and what she released seemed pretty sincere,” said Lamar Advertising’s local manager which had to remove the billboard they donated to United Way following the shark attack. Still, some of the property owners wouldn’t mind some compensation for cleaning up the gluey shark mess. Fueling speculation that shark-loving poster artist White Mike is also known as Michcael Muller, the pro-shark posters showed up on stage at a secret show for Donovan Frankenreiter, a musician Muller has photographed on occasion.

Photos via The Lost Ogle

According to an Ogle mole who was staying at a swanky downtown hotel last week, Muller, Alba and Casey Affleck arrived at the hotel lobby around 2:00am on June 2nd. The source claims that it appeared that the trio had been drinking and that they even “flashed a couple miniature liquor bottles.” Shortly after arriving, Alba and Muller left the hotel. The next day, scary great white shark posters appeared in various spots throughout downtown.

Photo of Jessica Alba gluing up a White Mike poster in Oklahoma City via The Lost Ogle

While most celebrities would simply cut a check for their favorite cause, Jessica Alba decided to get her hands dirty and now she’s regretting it. “The Love Guru” actress was forced to issue an apology after photographs of her plastering Oklahoma City with posters of a Great White shark were published online. The actress-cum-street artist was filming a new movie in town when she joined up with White Mike, a semi-anonymous street artist trying to raise awareness about the sea predator’s dwindling numbers by gluing up posters wherever he can.

Mainly pasted up in Los Angeles, the posters feature a photograph by Michael Muller, who many suggest is the real White Mike. Whatever his government name is, Jessica Alba can thank him for blowing up her spot by posting action photos online and twittering about her acts of vandalism. The images were saved before White Mike pulled them offline and tried to explain why he plastered a landlocked city with his shark-conservation posters:

The reason is that illegal shark fin hunting effects the people of Oklahoma. It affects us all….There is a dire need for us as a human race to try and stop the devastation of the Great White Shark. International pressure is the only way to do it and that starts in Oklahoma, the heartland of America.

Jessica Alba just wants to be done with the incident and hopefully avoid any criminal charges. “I got involved in something I should have had no part of,” the actress said. “I regret not thinking things through before I made a spontaneous and ill-advised decision to let myself get involved with the people behind this campaign.”

Photos via The Lost Ogle