ANIMAL » JOBS

You’re Not Working, You’re Just Giving Up

Lauri Apple — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 21:10:25 +0000

The city’s unemployment rate decreased last month, but only because people stopped looking for jobs. Because they’ve given up. Because there are no jobs. And even when there are jobs, they don’t pay good wages or reduce the city’s ridiculous income gap in any significant way, so why even bother trying?

We all might as well waste our lives drunk on schnapps with the owls, sitting on the curbside and waiting to die. At least the owls won’t shame us for being unemployed. Owls don’t believe in jobs. (Photo: Indymedia)

NYC’s Professional Tree Climbing Program

Bucky Turco — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 15:41:31 +0000

Learn how to climb trees in NYC, professionally!

In Case You’ve Ever Dreamed About Working on A Porn Set

Cajun Boy — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 15:45:58 +0000

For those of you on the West Coast who need a job, here’s one: an internet porn production company is seeking a “stage custodian” who is “comfortable and willing to possibly clean up human fluids from shoots as well as dildos and props from shoots.” Apply today! |NBC|

Professional Toilet Attendees Needed

Bucky Turco — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 14:54:34 +0000

Job alert: “Charmin will be offering…holiday employmentÂ toÂ five outgoing people who will work in the company’s Times Square restrooms this holiday season.” Before you snicker at the offer, do know, the five week job pays $10k. |1010Wins|

The Topics Here Are Money, Fame, And Lettuce.

Copyranter — Wed, 20 May 2009 15:05:08 +0000

Are you un-or under-employed? Do you live in Brazil? Then, this spot for the Dream Job site—featuring a kvetching in-demand massage therapist who works exclusively on models 12-14 hours a day, seven days a week—is for you. However, if you don’t live in Brazil, but are an unemployed (or employed) functioning heterosexual male (or lesbian), then this spot is also for you. Creatively, it’s far from my favorite jobs site commercial ever. Monster.com has done some crackerjack work over the years—my favorite being this perfect one that first aired during the 2003 Super Bowl. But…anyway I have to take a conference call from some jerk-off in the bathroom, excuse me… |Video: Illegal Advertising|

Public Job Offers

ANIMAL — Tue, 06 May 2008 21:15:46 +0000

The economy can’t be that bad with all these jobs being plastered around Brooklyn, right? If you’re not interested in doing an amateur porn flick in Bushwick, but still have a knack for theatrics how about some singing? This simply scrawled business card soliciting “DOOWOP” singers was spotted on a traffic signal box under the Flushing Avenue M-Train station. If entertainment isn’t your thing, jump for Mr. Dorn’s job offer, you don’t even need a GED and get to carry a gun.