ANIMAL » Kim Kardashian

Tax the F*ck out of Kim Kardashian!

Tabatha McGurr — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 20:00:13 +0000

Its been a pretty rough year for Americans, specifically for us 99 percenters who scurry around and scrape for the 1 percent’s crumbs.

Alas, while most of us are commuting to work on shitty subway trains, evading IRS agents, and getting pepper sprayed in the face by police, oblivious celebrities like Kim Kardashian are sitting on their fat asses watching the endless paychecks roll in (12 million worth to be exact) and then only having to pay a percent more than us in taxes. That’s why the Millionaires Tax campaign have found her to be the perfect endorsement target, and after watching their lovely little video power-point display, she’d kind of be a huge cunt to say no. Sadly for them, she already is.

Either way she’ll probably just end up rolling her eyes at the whole thing and saying she works damn hard for the money and deserves it. Because we all know how strenuous it is to make milkshakes in Dubai and concoct elaborate 72-day wedding shams while cameras are rolling 24/7. Pay up, bitch!

The “Kardashian Klan”

Myles Tanzer — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 19:00:27 +0000

The three horsewomen of the sexpocalypse known as the Kardashians are mostly harmless. They have a mindless TV show, huge weddings sponsored by brands, and own Dash — the worst store in Soho/the whole world. The sisters also have a new line being sold at Sears and so we whipped up this apt mockup of the “Kardashian Klan,” as they’re referred to in the strangely worded press release.

Kim Kardashian’s Breasts Stolen for Album Cover Art

Marina Galperina — Thu, 26 May 2011 14:00:15 +0000

Kim Kardashian’s legal team is swooping down on an R&B duo who used Kim’s copyrighted breasts, claiming: “We didn’t even know they were her boobies because obviously I don’t recognize her by her nipples.” (NSFW)

Really. Terrace Martin & Devi Dev should have thought twice before decorating their album The Sex EP with Karadashian breastage smothered in silver by artist Barbara Kruger for the infamous W Magazine spread. Recognizable nipples or not, just clear your damn album art. Point and case: Remember the photog who forged a model release for the vintage prepster on a Vampire Weekend album cover? His lawyers are quitting.

In context: The Sex EP x Kruger’s Kardashian

Breaking: Kim Kardashian Takes the Subway!

Bucky Turco — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 16:58:46 +0000

zOMG! Despite being 30-years-old and having traveled to NYC several times before, Kim Kardashian took the subway for the first time ever. She posted a photo on Twitter earlier of herself and not as famous sister riding the 6 train in Manhattan while pointing to a map of the F,G lines in Brooklyn.

Is Kim Kardashian’s Ass Really that Big?

Bucky Turco — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 22:10:28 +0000

Despite her so called regrets after posing nude for Playboy, famous for nothing celebrity, Kim Kardashian, bares it all in the latest issue of W mag and maybe it’s the angle or the silver paint, but doesn’t her caboose look abnormally large? Although she’s always been known for her ample curves, in this photo, she could contend with Brazil’s Watermelon Woman. Perhaps instead of reducing her size through the magic of Photoshop, the publication’s retouchers decided to go against the grain and increase it instead? Feel free to send the originals this way, we promise to get to the bottom (ha) of this.

Kim Kardashian Wants Mona Lisa Dead

Marina Galperina — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 21:28:38 +0000

So, apparently Kim Kardashian offended France by prancing into the Louvre and mugging it in front of the Mona Lisa as tourists snapped away with their flashes. Flash photography is prohibited in the museum because it deteriorates the precious art. Sabotage! Kim tweeted this photo, and soon after, she had a motorcycle paparazzi pack on her ass.

Madame Tussauds Keeping A Tight Grip On Kim’s Waxy Ass (Updated Already)

Bucky Turco — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 18:20:11 +0000

This morning, I called Madame Tussauds NY and asked their press person, Carly Sampson, if she could please send some photos of the new Kim Kardashian figure we quipped about earlier this week. Well, she must have taken a look at the site and determined that Kim’s curvy ass is too good for us meanies at ANIMAL, since she followed up with no photos and an email asking what the “content” would be:

With a such a protective grip, am I the only one who thinks Carly should consider a career representing real life breathing celebrities? |Photo: Generic image swiped from Madame Tussauds website|

UPDATE (2:41PM): After mentioning how I would probably have to publish the above email to explain Madame Tussauds unwillingness to give up Kim, Carly caved, and a little over an hour later, sent me some images, so I take back my career advice, she’d never last!

Kim Kardashian’s Ass To Be Immortalized In Wax

Bucky Turco — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 15:28:53 +0000

Famous for nothing celebrity, Kim Kardashian, was recently measured by Madame Tussauds in New York for her very own curvy wax figure. She will be molded in a “red-carpet” position, which I assume is any angle that accentuates her ass the most. |NYDN|

The Kim Kardashian Molesting Justin Bieber Photo That Could Get Her Killed

Bucky Turco — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 17:36:52 +0000

If it’s true that Justin Bieber fans sent Kim Kardashian, 29, death threats just for becoming friends at the White House Correspondents’ dinner, wait till they see this blasphemous photo of the assy socialite indulging one of her fantasies with the 16-year-old. People also has a shot of them holding hands for a photo shoot in the Bahamas, ensuring a tween jihad on the celebrity cougar. |Photo: Kim Kardashian|

Kim Kardashian Reveals Air Marshall On Flight, Threatens National Security

Bucky Turco — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 03:50:13 +0000

If @Kim Kardashian wasn’t kidding earlier when she tweeted about sitting next to Jim the Air Marshall on a flight, it’s likely that he’ll be fired by the time the plane lands. These federal officers are normally required to keep their identity secret, but Sherlock Kim says she asked and he admitted it, and kept twittering about it to her three million plus followers.

This of course set off a firestorm of responses on Twitter, prompting her to log off and wonder how much
trouble she’s in. Here’s her flurry of security-breaching tweets (irrelevant updates blurred):