Like the horrific posters that New York City tried to make deli owners hang, but were ultimately struck down, Judge Richard Leon said the displays threaten the companies’ free speech.

He is temporarily blocking the implementation of the warning labels measure, which is great news even if you hate cigarettes and don’t smoke. For now, he has pushed back the FDA’s September 22, 2012 deadline so he can determine just how unconstitutional it is.

The iconic T-beam was found a few days after the attack by construction worker Frank Silecchia, who believed it was a miracle, a “sign … that God didn’t dessert us.” Right. That’s exactly what I was thinking as the ruins of the Twin Towers still smoldered. Anyway, a priest blessed the religious relic before it was installed as part of the 9/11 Memorial and Museum, prompting the American Atheists to file a lawsuit demanding that it be removed from the location.

And with good reason, as it opens up a can of worms that could allow other religious affiliations to demand that their gods be represented as well. And if it’s too controversial for Muslims to build an Islamic cultural center blocks away from the WTC site, just imagine the outrage if they ask to stake claim on actual hallowed grounds? So, xenophobic Christians… Think of this as less of a slap in the face to Jesus and more of a way to way to ensure that Mohammad never steps foot there either.

“Police tell WJBK-TV the punch resulted from an argument between the two men Thursday night at a Burger King on the city’s east side [of Detroit],” reports Fox News. “Police say the punch may have caused the elderly man to choke on his dentures. The unidentified victim died at a hospital.” (Tip: Before punching somebody, ask them if they have dentures. If they say yes, ask them to kindly remove their dentures to avoid this outcome.)

Meanwhile, in Chicago a woman is suing McDonald’s based on a claim that a drive-thru employee spit in her face after turning down her request for a 4 a.m. cheeseburger. The lady only wanted to exercise her rights as an American to receive burgers on demand, and instead of top-notch service she gets a saliva spritzer. Now she is exercising her rights as an American to receive $300,000 in damages related to the incident. Somehow getting spat on is $225,000 worse than being permanently disfigured by a fallen McDonald’s toilet paper holder.

It’s always been true that when you visit a burger chain you are taking your life into your own hands, because fast food is haunted (except for McDonald’s sundaes–those are good). Now you have spit and punches to worry about. Isn’t it time you stop visiting these places and start dining at safer restaurants? You never hear about anyone getting punched at Bennigan’s. (Photo by Razor512)

In the first story, a brand bullshitting consultant is suing his ex-girlfriend for allegedly removing all his stuff from his apartment–including his two dogs–and getting his cat euthanized while he was in Hawaii working with popular American recording artist Kanye West (also known as “‘Ye”). The ex-gf reportedly went ahead and stored some of the dude’s stuff in New Jersey, and also sent his dogs (including one that he rescued from a Hungarian hooker, which is somehow important to the story) to Washington state. She’s also suing him, for slander. The ex-gf didn’t give any comments to the Post, which might be why the paper’s on the guy’s side.

In the other case, a woman from New Jersey is suing McSorley’s Old Ale House in the East Village claiming the bar’s cat seriously injured her in October 2009. The bar owner doesn’t remember any of this happening. Neither the woman nor her lawyer provided a comment to the Post, which might be why the paper’s on the bar’s side.

What can we learn from these two tragedies? Three things:

1. Don’t date anybody.
2. Don’t let people from New Jersey drink at your ale house.
3. We need to start teaching cats how to talk, so they can put humans in their place when needed.

This cat wasn’t involved in either story–it’s just a neat-looking cat. Kind of resembles David Bowie during his Aladdin Sane period. (Photo: Ihasb33r/flickr)

Yeah, so, the Original Brooklyn Water Bagel Co. is suing Mamma Mia’s Trattoria & Brick Oven Pizzeria in state court, claiming misappropriation of their special water Brooklynization technology. In another suit, the pizzeria is suing the Bagel Co. in federal court for threatening “sham litigation” based on allegedly false claims that the filtration process is patented. Bagels wants pizzas to stop using the filtration system; pizzas wants bagels to pay $1 million in fines. And everyone wants New York pizza and bagels, because they are the best.

How did the pizzeria figure out how to Brooklynize their water if the Bagel Co. was the only other place in town—if not the world—with the machinery to do it? Oh, because the Bagel Co. owner’s father-in-law sold a filtration system to the pizza place. He subsequently agreed in a settlement not to reveal the secret process to anyone else, but by then it was too late: the pizza place had already started Brooklynizing water for their pizza dough, which has since become the best anywhere in America south of Brighton Beach.

I could try to use my God-given law degree to provide some sort of legal analysis of this situation, but a. the article doesn’t provide enough facts for me to venture an educated guess, and b. I didn’t study patent law. So let’s weigh pros and cons instead:

Bagel place wins:

Pizzeria wins:

And seriously, what are these “nuances” floating around in the water? Is purity a nuance? Was that a rhetorical question? Ugh.

For now, let’s call Brooklynized water “Fake-hyperlocalized water,” and hope it never ends up here or here.

In his suit, filed last month, volunteer firefighter Vincent Forras—a Facebook fan of Bon Jovi and Korn—claims that Rauf et al. are “are the front persons and in charge of operations for interests tied to terrorism,” and believe in “radical Islam and its jihad.” The community center isn’t really for people who want to swim or chill out in cool-looking vestibules, but for those who wish “to perpetrate continuing and heightened psychological terror on the [9/11] victims and others.” Just building the thing is TERROR:

Building a $100 million Islamic center at Ground Zero … is a monument of the jihadist’s victory over American ideals of freedom and democracy, a desecration of the terrible sacrifice made by those innocents attacked, and the noble sacrifice made by those who acted to preserve our constitutionally guaranteed, republican form of government in the wake of that attack. The emotional, mental and physical pain resulting from Defendants’ actions in planning and taking concrete steps to build the Ground Zero Mosque are intolerable to Lead Plaintiff Forras and the class of Plaintiffs who not only themselves were seriously harmed and will live a much shorter life span with great pain, suffering and inconvenience, but who also have lost loved ones, friends, and family in the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks.

Since the Park 51 plan was announced, the suit says, Forras’ anxiety and “fear of additional terrorist attacks” has caused him severe distress that is shortening his life span. Even hanging out with the warm, friendly folks at Fox & Friends didn’t soothe him.

At any rate, Rauf and the Park 51ers can’t bring themselves to take seriously a guy who actively seeks out updates from Nickelback. According to the New York Post, they see his suit as “a publicity stunt motivated by “blind bigotry” and a challenge to their right to practice religion, and hope to teach this guy a $50,000 lesson. Let the games begin! [NYP]